Keeping Up The Pretenses

Uhm... do you realise just how smoothly the response "I'm fine, thank you" rolls of your tongue when somebody asks you "How are you?" That reply is so commonplace that it should be challenged on its authenticity every time. Because I am utterly convinced that more than half the time it's said, it isn't even within close range of what is really going on in the life of the person who said it.

Have we all perfected the art of pretending or what? And have we all grown so accustomed to putting on pretenses that it becomes too natural for us... 'til the point that what we pretend to be really becomes who we are (in the sense of who we live our lives as) and who we really are, how we really feel inside, just gets lost and evaporates without a single trace?

Too often we practice these same lines, with the same replies, and amazingly we derive satisfaction from it without ever questioning if what is said is what really is.

In other words, do we really care? Why are we content just with a mere verbal assurance, that the person before us, the person we are conversing with, spending time with on the pretext of love or concern or some other high virtue, is alright and has their life together? Why do we even ask how they are anyway? Is it to convince them that we care? Or as so-called evidence that we can use to conclude that everything's okay and there is no real cause for concern, even though the irrepressible gut feeling is that there really is something that is the matter with them?

And why do we not tell it like it is to someone else when they ask us how we are doing? Is it for fear that they would not understand? Or that they may make things worse by how they react afterwards? Or that we'd finally see things as they are: that perhaps the other person doesn't quite care as much as we hoped they would?

From my personal experience, the reason I don't speak up very often about how things really are in my life is for the plain reason that nobody's really interested to hear my long, elaborate replies about why everything is going wrong for me right then and there, and the dozens of doubts that are tormenting me. For the few times I tried to say something more - hinting just a bit at the fact that perhaps my "I'm fine" is not quite as fine as my words are potraying (doing this by means of a contradicting facial expression, perhaps) - the other person only seems to listen intently for awhile. Then you can almost visually see their minds jump up and wander off from concentrating on what I'm saying by the time the "oh" response escapes their mouth. And from then on, it's all going downhill. Sometimes it comes to the point where I'm yabbering on and on and it's so self defeating because I know it's practically useless. A waste of time. All the things I'm saying are just flying by them, without even the slightest effort on their part to reach out and at least try to grasp what I'm saying.

On the flip side, perhaps we say the cliched phrase "How are you?" simply because we have no better way of putting across to someone we don't know so well that we really do care about them, without sounding too intrusive or imposing. I know I've encoutered a couple of situations where I've felt exactly this way. And if we do say it sincerely enough, the other person may actually get the sentiments we are trying to convey. Then it's perfectly fine, of course. It may even be appreciated that we bothered to ask.

Another possible reason why we perhaps succumb to repeating this overused question at the start of almost every conversation is because maybe, we're short of ideas on how to kickstart an engaging chat with a particular someone, and hoped that they'd say something in their reply that we could perhaps take hold of and use to propel the conversation further, tranforming it into something much livelier. For instance, the mention of family could lead to further inquiries on their welfare or how relationships with their next of kin have been of late. Reference to a recent holiday or business trip could be followed by encouraging the person to elaborate more about their holiday/trip, how did they find it, what did they do, etc.

And so, for all these reasons and more, this dull, hackneyed phrase of "How are you?" and its [almost required] accompanying response, "I'm fine, thank you" lives on in our society today. Amusing, is it not? Yet it is rather a sad state of affairs. Wouldn't life be a little less confusing if we'd all just be unafraid of being blatantly honest and speaking our mind, spilling out all the pent up thoughts and emotions in our minds and hearts? But alas, we are creatures of habit. So onward the habit goes, and we remain content with the ever familiar replies.

Leftovers

Leftovers, anyone?

I have a pretty sad love life. Sad because nothing's ever worked out before. I just wish he and I could talk. It's not like he was ever mine, but I just wish things would end more neatly. The way it is, it's like we're worlds apart right now. We used to be quite close, and it's sad that just because I had to get over him I had to distance myself from him and things have dwindled to become how they are right now. It's just maddening how things always seem to end up like this. It's not like I'm in love with him anymore, yet it feels so depriving that other people know so much more about him now than I do and he doesn't even tell me anything anymore. And it's not like any of this bothers him. I bet he doesn't even miss being close to me the way things were last time. I just can't rid my head of him, although I try to convince myself that I have.

When It's All In Your Hands

I believe that one of the times that you feel most in control in life is when you're behind the wheel. Yeah, you know... like driving a car? I certainly feel that way when I drive. I mean, when I'm driving alone in the car, that is.

I can drive at whatever speed I wish. Cruise, crawl or even zip along. I can change lanes whenever I like, or hog the same ol' lane for as long as I wish. I can honk the horn at whim, and decide what type of music I prefer to listen to as I drive. The radio, perhaps. Or maybe a favourite CD. Or perhaps nothing at all. I can think whatever thoughts that are in my mind, in the quietness of the little space of the car's interior, for the entire duration of my journey.

Almost perfect control (minus the unpredictability of weather and road conditions, and also the necessity of abiding by traffic laws).

So anyway, my point is that when we're on the road, driving in our comfy little cars, we're really quite in control of what's happening in our lives. So-called.

Now, what continuously irks me is to see the way people behave whilst on the road.

I don't know what the traffic is like where you live, but here where I'm at, there is almost a non-existence of civic consciousness. Give people near-perfect control over something like driving and what do they do? They get selfish. They act like no one else is there, and that even when they are it doesn't matter anyway. They slip in and out of various highway lanes just so they can maximise their own travelling speed and time whilst threatening to be a road hazard and a public nuisance to all.

Surely people would have the heart to once in awhile give in, and let someone else go their way without creating a ruckus with their horn, or yelling or showing signs of displeasure indirectly through the rear or side mirrors? Surely they would realise that perhaps there are other people in this world besides them who may be in a hurry to reach their destination... that someone else might be late... or in an emergency?

I'll admit that driving where I live has made me a little more ruthless than before. I have learnt to exert my way on the road, lest I get constantly bullied or ignored and have to wait half a day just for a chance to cross a busy intersection. Just because all the other drivers whizzing by failed to consider the needs of someone other than themselves. What a sad state of affairs - the fact that you have to toughen up and fend for yourself, just because of the individualistic culture that has dug its roots deep into your community's lifestyle.

Yet this observation has repercussions for me as well. As much as I do complain about the horrid ugly nature of other's behaviour, now and then I am forced to also examine how I behave given similar circumstances. And I regretfully admit that I cannot say for certain that I would've acted any better.

Predestination: Meant To Be?

Sometimes I wonder at the outcome of our lives. You see, I'm a Christian, and so I believe in what the Bible says about my life:

... All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

-Psalm 139:16

What does that imply? That everything unfolding before me in my life had already been ordained for me, long even before I was even in existence. I guess that means that God already knew the decisions I would make in life, long before they were even placed before me, long before I even knew what they would be about.

So I wonder, is it worth going through all the motions then? If it's a matter of just a predetermined plot unfolding, what difference would it make that I lived through outcomes decided long ago? Or has God prepared a few alternate endings, where which one of them that I'd end up with depends on my decisions?

I cannot make sense of my life. I cannot reconcile why certain things have become as they have. I don't understand why some things of yesterday still haunt me in my dreams and thoughts, although circumstances have changed so much already.

Is this how it was meant to be? Or was it that I stumbled onto the wrong alternate ending, not so long ago?

Independence Amongst Children: A Process Not To Be Hurried Along

It has bothered me for quite awhile now, why there is a tendency in us to want to rush someone to grow up.

What I mean by this is how adults are expecting kids to learn in a hurry how to be independent. Of course, I'm not saying here that kids shouldn't mature when they should, nor am I saying that they should cling to their parents right through their adolescent years or something of that sort.

What I am saying is why we consider it such a good thing that a kid can go out on their own, manage their own food and affairs without a hunger for family, a need for communal activity. Are we not by the very way we bring them up, teaching them at an early age to become individualistic?

We should be careful that what we label "independent" is not in actual fact "individualism".

What's so great about the fact that a kid can do so many things by themselves that we should shower so much praise and admiration on such kids as these? What about those who constantly need help from others, and make no pretenses about it? Are they any less capable just because they aren't as independent? Undoubtedly, kids need to learn to do things for themselves at some point in time, and that will come about in its proper time and place and should be taught to them by their parents. The kid him/herself may even ask to be taught how to do certain things by themselves, even. But what I find unreasonable is when parents hurry their children to learn independence.

Yes, of course it's less hassle in parenting there onwards, but then don't come complaining a couple of years down the line when you find your children totally disregard you and avoid relating to you. Didn't it cross your mind that perhaps your teaching them to "do it yourself" too early in life (just to be rid of having to mind them all the time) might very well be the cause for their lack of affection for you?

Don't you go making like it's some kind of high level virtue when your kid can be independent in doing things. Praising them and rewarding them isn't really wrong, it's just the emphasis on it in the light of other more important things that a child should master.

Independence isn't everything.

In fact, the older we get, we'll find increasingly that interdependence is the better way to go. Good examples of this are the interdependencies found in romantic relationships, family connections and even at the workplace, in terms of team-based projects.

Yes, everyone needs to know how to survive and thrive regardless of the absence of others. But everyone also needs to know how to do both these things when they are surrounded by the people as well.

Cultivating independence in children without an equal effort to educate them on the need of interdependency is a fatal flaw in parenting, I believe.

Perhaps we should re-examine how the next generation is being raised right now. Are we doing it right? The process of learning independence should not be rushed for kids. After all, what we want is a selfless, civic conscious society who are mindful of the needs of others in every way, is it not?

Humanness

Initially, I imagined that he acted the way he did towards me merely because he wanted to see what sort of reaction it would evoke in me. Just for the fun of it. Possibly out of spite. He seemed like an elusive sort; with so many contacts with people of the opposite gender, and a rather abrasive nature whenever he was in a bad mood or felt like being difficult.

I didn't think it could've possibly crossed his mind how much hurt and turmoil he had inflicted on my soul. How, with every little cheesy thing he said, he was making my heart crumble. Drilling to the core of my weakness. And I almost loathed meeting him every time. It felt like something inside of me was squirming and making me sick on the inside every time I saw him, every occasion in which I had to exchange words with him. He was, after all, to my mind, unpredictable. Cocky. Immature. Irritating.

Difficult he was, indeed. But maybe, so was I?

What I hadn't counted on was the fact that he had - in the ongoing turn of events in his private life - a set of challenges, setbacks and excruciating heartbreaks of his own. I only knew in part, saw in part.

And the more the truth unfolded, the more I realised that perhaps he's not the spiteful, cunning, conniving, selfish guy that I imagined he was. Perhaps he did care. Perhaps he did occasionally intend to offer real help to me, and did also, at some point, value my company...

The truth of the matter is, that we really don't understand what's going on in somebody else's life at all. We presume to comprehend it, but often what we do know is only so little in the face of the full blown realities that strike them each day. The nightmares. The fears, the glaring past that perhaps they still have problems overcoming, or leaving behind. The secrets. The things they wished to pour out to us, but haven't yet found the courage and suitable opportunity to.

And beneath that smile, that same calm expression that you see them wear every day, there lies a restless soul... fighting to stay alive and to make sense of what is going on.

We assume too much.

I find it ironic that sometimes the people we think we know so well, the people we spend the most time with, are the people that we know the least about. It's scary. More than that, it's downright sad.

And when a sudden twist of events changes the way they are, or the way we relate to them, we look back at how things were and wonder why we didn't understand better before.

Yet the one good thing that comes out of having known someone for quite awhile and knowing more about them now than you did then is that maybe, in some way, you realise more than before how human they really are. Not so tough and impossible as how they seemed previously. In fact, very much vulnerable. So you stand back a little, and gaze at them now in a new sort of awe...

Then maybe, just maybe, you chance to love them a little more.

I so totally agree with Carson McCullers...

The heart is a lonely hunter.

The Recurring Nightmares

Ah. I always wanted to talk to someone about these things. Recurring nightmares.

It's not what you think. It's not the kind of nightmares where there's a huge, grizzly monster out to get you, or the world is about to end in a big impending explosion, or you're at the verge of needing to take some heroic action to save someone you love from the jaws of death.

It's the kinda down-to-earth nightmares where people you know are in it, and the things that happen are so close to reality that you just could've very well imagined that they did happen.

It's those kinda nightmares that I'm talking about.

In my case, it's been these ongoing nightmares about people from my past, things from my past that are unresolved, or rather, can't be resolved in the present day.

What I want to know is what it'll take to get these nightmares to stop. I don't need to be a loser in my dreams. Not anymore than I am in real life, eh?

It has always intrigued me how some things seem to stay embedded within our memory for years on end, and how, at the same time, something else (that perhaps even occurred at the same point of time as the aforesaid remembered incident) can quite easily be forgotten within the next day or hour or minute.

What are these thoughts that swim around in our brains? And most of all, why do they remain there? Why has God put them there?

The simple answer would be to say it's to make us remember. To make us recall our beginnings, and the lessons we've learnt through all we've been through. To chart our course way into the future, in the light of who we've become.

Without memories, we'd have no past. Without a past, we'd have no identity... no solid experiences to lend credibility to our existence. Without an identity, we'd not know why we're here, and would pretty much cease to be here. Despite the fact that we may still live on.

That would be an even worse nightmare, I'd wager. A living nightmare.

Without Reserve

This is my voice.

This is my chance to speak without reserve about the thoughts that swim about in the recesses of my brain. I don't claim to have earth shaking philosophies, or world changing strategies to demand the attention of others.

But I am here. And I want to speak up. And having an anonymous blog rids me of the need to censor myself, or to make sure I am guarding everyone's interests and feelings.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not here to gossip. I'm not that kinda person.

I'm just here to speak my mind.

The title of this blog, Candycoatedwaterdrops is based on a song by a band called Plumb.

Here are the lyrics of that song:

Candycoatedwaterdrops
What is this
Mass confusion
This crazy way we're living
This emptiness we're passing out
Like candycoatedwaterdrops
I'm spilling out my thoughts
You're spilling out your guts
And I can't help but stop and think that
If the world stopped spinning
If the end was beginning
Would you even notice if I wasn't there?
If the world stopped spinning around
All that's worth dying for is already dead
An empty religion you've learned to accept
When nothing means everything, your daily routine
You go through the motions like a helpless machine
You're spinning 'round
You're spinning 'round
But I can't help wondering
You're spinning 'round
You're spinning 'round
But I can't help wondering
When the answers to everything are right in your hands
You lose your conviction, but you can't help standing
On the one thing that held you for so many years
You ask for forgiveness and hold back the tears

I hope in some ways it makes for some meaning as to why this blog is named the way it is.

I don't really expect anyone to read this. But if you do, good on ya. I hope that you find some comfort here, or something that inspires you. It's the thing that gets me most high in life. To make even if just that tiny difference.

Here's to the bright beginnings of a nice lil' comfy anonymous blog. The second of its kind in my blog records.