Guys are so hard to figure out. Even in retrospect, I cannot fully understand what were their actual intentions are in doing/saying this or that thing. It could be some experience from years, months ago, and to this day it could still be a puzzle to me. It's come to a point where sometimes I think, why bother? This inbuilt, ongoing fascination with members of the opposite sex... what good does it do, other than fuel an desire to get intimate with one by marrying them? And what do you get by marrying them... possibly just more troubles and misunderstandings and hurts and wounds to nurse over many decades to come (or whatever left of life is afforded you)?
Maybe if all of us were more honest and straight forward in the things we do, it wouldn't be so bad. Thing is, it seems to be like, the older we get, the more easily we hide our emotions and act in deceptive ways that are totally opposite to what we truly feel and think.
Hence, a lot of mixed signals and messages meant to be conveyed that get lost in transmission. And it all adds up to join the enormous party of confusion that we continue to celebrate and accept without question.
Oh, for the days when we were but children, and could not help but just speak our minds...
And in all of this, I think all my unsettled emotions and lack of closure for past experiences could be all obliterated by one simple thing: an opportunity to sit the people concerned down, one-to-one with me, and to just ask away all the questions I have kept inside. To make clear to them how I had interpreted what they did, and how much it affected me. And then to hear their side of the story, as they explain what they had really meant to convey. To comprehend what they were going through, and why things were how they became.
Perhaps then, all the insecurity and dissatisfaction and suppressed hurts can find their way to evaporate into the atmosphere and henceforth leave me eternally alone...
Why did you act like you cared or that I meant something to you, yet never made efforts for us to spend time together?
How come it seemed like for all the world, other people mattered more to you, yet in some quiet mysterious ways it was almost as if you were trying to convince me to the contrary?
Why did you bring up so many hopes, make promises, only to renege on them almost every time?
Did you not realise how much what you did/said affected me, and the emotions they stirred?
Why did you even bother making efforts to grow closer if it was never to be followed up with a continuous form of companionship and trust and openness?
Why won't you disappear from my life, instead of being there, in the background, beyond my reach and understanding?
Why did you even appear in my life to begin with?
See the void you did not fill
Note these wounds that haven't healed
I cannot completely forget
Neither can I wholly regret
And the words I used to have ran dry
All I wish to say is just one proper goodbye
Friday, August 18, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Just Be?
Often times I get rather tired of life. Not because I can't handle the raging violence of war, or the sexually twisted minds of some, or the failing economies, or the lying politicians or the unpredictability of transient relationships.
It's just for the sheer fact that it's so frustrating to be human. To be fallible. To get up every morning with hopes of going through the day without making any mistakes. Only to mindlessly let one careless word/action slip out into the atmosphere just a few moments later. Then before long, it all gets out of hand, and thereafter what's left to do but to be ashamed once again at the inability to do things right.
And so the endless list of regrets reels on and on, tormenting the mind to no end. And the hurts inflicted on the innocent all around, those who did truly love and care for you, grows with each additional breath you take.
I am not one to believe in suicide. But sometimes I think I cannot blame those who resort to it. For it seems quite apparent that living as a human being is a rather hopeless cause. What do we hope to achieve? What can we achieve, when all successes we attain are marred by our imperfections aplenty?
Undoubtedly, having people who are understanding and accept you for who you are numbs the pain of failure and disappointments with yourself. Yet it doesn't change the fact that history will repeat itself, as surely as the sun rises and sets each day.
It's pretty much a lie to say to anyone, "I love you just the way you are" or "don't change a single thing [about the way you are]". Because if ever it is said, and if it were indeed heartfelt, then the truth of the matter is we probably don't know the person whom it was said to well enough. There are too many flaws in all of us combined than can be contained in this world.
Perhaps it's better to be an animal. To just be who you are, yet knowing that your very instinctive behaviour fits so perfectly with who God has made you to be. To be secure that hunting for food, caring for your young, mating, sleeping, eating, playing and dying are all that there is to your lot in life. To live without qualms of what will happen to your surroundings, or worrying about what the next day will bring. To be as dull in the head as you can be as far as intelligence and reasoning is concerned, yet perfectly content.
Or perhaps it's even better to be a plant, or tree, or flower. To have but a short lifespan, yet to grace the Earth with your beauty. Never to be blamed for any wrongdoing, living in perfect harmony with your surroundings. Dependent on the weather and ideal living conditions, yet knowing if you indeed did die, that it would be a noble giving back to nature what it has blessed you with. For in your death, you would bring added fertility to the soil, and pave the way for the next generation of greenery to grow to take your place.
But human I am. And human I remain, for that is what God has decided that I should be. But certainly I cannot just be. For if I lived by my natural inclinations, I would tend towards self-centredness, which eventually leads to my ruin. How can any of us get it right, since none have before, and most certainly none ever will?
It's just for the sheer fact that it's so frustrating to be human. To be fallible. To get up every morning with hopes of going through the day without making any mistakes. Only to mindlessly let one careless word/action slip out into the atmosphere just a few moments later. Then before long, it all gets out of hand, and thereafter what's left to do but to be ashamed once again at the inability to do things right.
And so the endless list of regrets reels on and on, tormenting the mind to no end. And the hurts inflicted on the innocent all around, those who did truly love and care for you, grows with each additional breath you take.
I am not one to believe in suicide. But sometimes I think I cannot blame those who resort to it. For it seems quite apparent that living as a human being is a rather hopeless cause. What do we hope to achieve? What can we achieve, when all successes we attain are marred by our imperfections aplenty?
Undoubtedly, having people who are understanding and accept you for who you are numbs the pain of failure and disappointments with yourself. Yet it doesn't change the fact that history will repeat itself, as surely as the sun rises and sets each day.
It's pretty much a lie to say to anyone, "I love you just the way you are" or "don't change a single thing [about the way you are]". Because if ever it is said, and if it were indeed heartfelt, then the truth of the matter is we probably don't know the person whom it was said to well enough. There are too many flaws in all of us combined than can be contained in this world.
Perhaps it's better to be an animal. To just be who you are, yet knowing that your very instinctive behaviour fits so perfectly with who God has made you to be. To be secure that hunting for food, caring for your young, mating, sleeping, eating, playing and dying are all that there is to your lot in life. To live without qualms of what will happen to your surroundings, or worrying about what the next day will bring. To be as dull in the head as you can be as far as intelligence and reasoning is concerned, yet perfectly content.
Or perhaps it's even better to be a plant, or tree, or flower. To have but a short lifespan, yet to grace the Earth with your beauty. Never to be blamed for any wrongdoing, living in perfect harmony with your surroundings. Dependent on the weather and ideal living conditions, yet knowing if you indeed did die, that it would be a noble giving back to nature what it has blessed you with. For in your death, you would bring added fertility to the soil, and pave the way for the next generation of greenery to grow to take your place.
But human I am. And human I remain, for that is what God has decided that I should be. But certainly I cannot just be. For if I lived by my natural inclinations, I would tend towards self-centredness, which eventually leads to my ruin. How can any of us get it right, since none have before, and most certainly none ever will?
...what is man that You are mindful of him,
the son of man that You care for him?- Psalm 8:4
Thursday, August 03, 2006
The Onslaught of SMS and All Other Forms of Wireless Technologies (and the Downfall of REAL Communication)
I've been doing some research on SMS related tech lately. So in the course of doing so, I stumbled upon a site about the many different ways SMS tech is being used these days. It will amaze you just how many ways it can be used now. People do their banking with SMS. Get up-to-date traffic info. Book tix to see a concert. Break up with a bf/gf that's weighing them down. Vote. Donate. Get the latest news.
The list is endless. See for yourself at this website.
I suppose the less I know about the widespread of such things, the better I'll be.
Because as much as I'd agree to using and encouraging the use of modern technology, there are times where it's almost like I'm pining for the old days again.
You see, with the accessibility of all forms of wireless technology, it has eliminated the need for more direct human contact. What happened to lining up in queue to wait your turn to buy tickets? Going over to someone's house to discuss the details of an ongoing project you are working on together? Calling someone just to say you miss them?
These days, it's a mere quick kungfu of finger movements on the mobile phone keypad (or the PC's keyboard.. or PDA... what have you), a few extra button presses/clicks to locate the SEND command and then you've said your piece.
And so the recipient gets a very dead line of text saying "I love you so much." Only for that very same person to find out months later that perhaps the love wasn't as true as the words read. But it's virtual reality after all, ain't it?
How it deadens the human soul of emotion and interaction.
Sometimes though, I must say, it does have its benefits. You can agree to converse with a particularly repulsive character on... let's say, online instant messaging, without having to actually meet them. Thereby inducing a notion of care where there really is a lack. But as twisted as that sounds, sometimes, just sometimes, such measures are indeed necessary (aren't they?).
The use of these technologies does save time and effort in getting a message across to someone, especially when they're far off and it's too difficult for you to find means to meet face-to-face to utter a few one or two liners and wait for a response. And a phone call would be out of the question due to exorbitant call rates. And the person you're looking for is too busy and is constantly on the move anyway. Why disturb them unnecessarily? Just send a little messsage, and they can read it in their own time.
Furthermore, if you resorted to sending an IM or SMS, you could very well be checking your e-mail, or clocking in much needed hours for office/school work, while waiting for a response from the other party. Hence, more gets accomplished in the same amount of time.
But therein lies the problem of distractedness. We're so used to multi-tasking that it's too hard and too trying on us to just sit down and focus on one thing only. Wait a tad too long, endure too deadly a silence, and our minds get agitated for lack of activity, and our bodies get fidgety, yearning for something to occupy us. Entertain us. Why should there be dull moments in a person's life anyway? Hence the need to fill up our lives with all sorts of indirect, state-of-the-art technology. Keeps us alive, it seems.
I am not denying the benefits of technology, really. Only lamenting the decay of the true connectivity of human souls. When was the last time you said more words in a day than you did type? (And by that, I mean to those who matter most).
I still treasure a handwritten, posted letter or a telephone call or tea with a friend much more than mere SMS or any other similar forms of communication. Anyone who wishes to offer anything less to me proves by their sheer deeds how little fondness they attach to me. A high demand for today's folks. I'd say. But who needs company anyway?
The list is endless. See for yourself at this website.
I suppose the less I know about the widespread of such things, the better I'll be.
Because as much as I'd agree to using and encouraging the use of modern technology, there are times where it's almost like I'm pining for the old days again.
You see, with the accessibility of all forms of wireless technology, it has eliminated the need for more direct human contact. What happened to lining up in queue to wait your turn to buy tickets? Going over to someone's house to discuss the details of an ongoing project you are working on together? Calling someone just to say you miss them?
These days, it's a mere quick kungfu of finger movements on the mobile phone keypad (or the PC's keyboard.. or PDA... what have you), a few extra button presses/clicks to locate the SEND command and then you've said your piece.
And so the recipient gets a very dead line of text saying "I love you so much." Only for that very same person to find out months later that perhaps the love wasn't as true as the words read. But it's virtual reality after all, ain't it?
How it deadens the human soul of emotion and interaction.
Sometimes though, I must say, it does have its benefits. You can agree to converse with a particularly repulsive character on... let's say, online instant messaging, without having to actually meet them. Thereby inducing a notion of care where there really is a lack. But as twisted as that sounds, sometimes, just sometimes, such measures are indeed necessary (aren't they?).
The use of these technologies does save time and effort in getting a message across to someone, especially when they're far off and it's too difficult for you to find means to meet face-to-face to utter a few one or two liners and wait for a response. And a phone call would be out of the question due to exorbitant call rates. And the person you're looking for is too busy and is constantly on the move anyway. Why disturb them unnecessarily? Just send a little messsage, and they can read it in their own time.
Furthermore, if you resorted to sending an IM or SMS, you could very well be checking your e-mail, or clocking in much needed hours for office/school work, while waiting for a response from the other party. Hence, more gets accomplished in the same amount of time.
But therein lies the problem of distractedness. We're so used to multi-tasking that it's too hard and too trying on us to just sit down and focus on one thing only. Wait a tad too long, endure too deadly a silence, and our minds get agitated for lack of activity, and our bodies get fidgety, yearning for something to occupy us. Entertain us. Why should there be dull moments in a person's life anyway? Hence the need to fill up our lives with all sorts of indirect, state-of-the-art technology. Keeps us alive, it seems.
I am not denying the benefits of technology, really. Only lamenting the decay of the true connectivity of human souls. When was the last time you said more words in a day than you did type? (And by that, I mean to those who matter most).
I still treasure a handwritten, posted letter or a telephone call or tea with a friend much more than mere SMS or any other similar forms of communication. Anyone who wishes to offer anything less to me proves by their sheer deeds how little fondness they attach to me. A high demand for today's folks. I'd say. But who needs company anyway?
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