I was meandering online when I happen to notice this old blog. It's been three long years since I last blogged as an anonymous writer. I must admit, the thought of starting up again is very tempting.
Shall I? Shall I not?
Life is very different now. Looking back at my older posts, I can see that I was blinded and full of teenage angst. The wise old ones will call it growing pains or perhaps, transitional troubles related to easing into a new phase in life.
Call it whatever you want. There was no formula that helped me out of my previous mess. 'Till this day, I still carry the scars and perhaps... some of the wounds too.
It felt like I was in hell at that time and like I would never be able to find my way out. I still cannot make sense of what had actually happened then. I think in some ways it still affects how I live my life now.
I am more careful with my heart now. More skeptical. Unable to trust others fully and to accept things at face value. I see ghosts and demons lurking when perhaps there are none. I wonder why I am too easily forgotten. I feel plain and ordinary and perhaps... even queer. As if I am one of those anomalies that coincidentally made her way into the human race.
I feel like I cause more trouble to people than good. I sometimes think I have nothing good to offer. I wonder why I am almost always slow and not efficient and fast like everyone else. I cannot understand how life can change externally... yet still remain the same internally.
People always move on, don't they? So if I'm stuck someplace, I guess the problem must be me.
Well, in some ways, I have improved. I don't cry as often. I have changed jobs. I am in a fairly stable relationship now. I am a little tougher and a bit harder to bully. I am smarter, if not wiser. I can think... yes, I can still think.
Would it be fair to the people I'm close to in this life if I didn't tell them of the existence of this blog? Is having a hidden side of your life necessarily a bad thing?
If there's one constant I can see in this life, it's me having unending questions that mostly don't get answered. I guess it's God's way of reminding that I'm not a deity. Not that I needed reminding.
Nobody likes to hear negative thoughts. Maybe they're afraid it's contagious. But what if voicing out my emotions help me feel better and contributes towards getting it flushed out of my system for good?
If no one listens, I'd still need an outlet. Maybe this is my outlet, because I have no best friend. Well, as a child I used to have some. But they all disappointed me sooner or later. Better not to have any or to expect anyone to be that good to you.
I know when I say such things it sounds as if I undermine my faith in God and His ability to intervene. But this is how I feel. Perhaps it is wrong, but somebody tell me why we must have feelings if they are not meant to be communicated? We cannot determine the outcome once others hear how we feel, but don't we at least have a right to be heard and understood?
Oh well I've asked more questions in this post (again) and have not really provided any answers. Maybe not much has changed after all.
Anyhow, I like the new, rather simple blog template. Perhaps I'll give this blog a spin or two, see if I like the tone and the feel of it.
You won't judge me if you don't know who I am, will you?
