I'm not sure I know who I am anymore. I'm not sure if I should keep blogging. I'm older now, and things that used to be have far gone, and I don't think I can get them back even if I wanted to.
Gone gone gone.
Where should I go now?
Monday, November 26, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
fairy stories
Once upon a time, in a land not quite so far away, there lived a sole. This sole dwelt in familiar places, and presented pleasant adventures to those who were daring enough to meet its acquantaince.
There was one daring enough.
As with all things beautiful, there was utter innocence in the day that the one sole was taken in by the foot. The foot was optimistic and trusting, and eagerly slid itself into the shoe of which the sole took residence.
The sole didn't mind, since the sole was a friendly one, and thought to itself that this was akin to any regular engagement, of the sort that it had always had for whoever and whatever crossed its path.
So the sole & the foot grew to be friends.
Time passed swiftly.
The foot grew, and had many opportunities for journeys and adventures. So, as the story goes, the foot many a time would slide alongside the sole, and graciously bring the sole along into its many destinations that it set foot on. So the foot was happy, because it could gladly share its experiences with its sole mate. For much of the time, the sole was happy too, because the sole also enjoyed being part of the foot's adventures.
However, the poor sole was neither a great thinker nor planner. For you see, the sole also followed many other feet on their travels, that were very much different indeed from those in which the foot would invite it to go for. This was because the sole was a free sole, and could go wherever it pleased and could attach itself to whichever foot that suited its fancy.
So, at times, the sole would get tied up in other adventures, to the exclusion of the foot. The sole immensely enjoyed those adventures, although the foot was not a part of them, because the sole had a hunger for things in the valleys and mountains far beyond its dwellings. These feet folk would often go there, and the sole looked forward greatly to each time it was privileged enough to be carried along to those distant, mystical lands.
The foot was aware of the sole's fascinations, but did not think much of it, for after all, the foot reasoned that the sole & itself had had many memorable trips together, and surely the sole's interest in foreign places could not possibly jeopardise the good company which the foot kept the sole in, and the many opportunities for fun that the foot often shared graciously with the sole.
Then one day, in the early hours of the morning, the foot went off in search of the sole, for the foot had just prepared itself for another journey, and was eager to tell the sole of it, for the foot had hoped that they would be able to go off for the trip together. The foot was in a joyous mood, and could hardly wait to find its sole mate in order to break to it the lovely news of the impending adventure that they would have before them.
But alas! To the foot's dismay, the sole was nowhere to be found. The foot had already set itself right at the place of the sole's dwelling, but the sole had apparently disappeared. By chance, another sole happened to flit by, and the anxious foot hurried towards that other sole. As it turned out, the other sole was in fact a close companion of the one sole that the foot was in search of.
"Where has my sole mate gone?" Asked the now desperate foot.
A feeling of gloom and despair had quickly swept over it and threatened to make its steps falter. Its very stance felt shaky, and an unusual fatigue had arisen, which gnawed at the foot to its very bones.
"Is it that one sole that you seek?" The kindred sole spoke in reply.
"Yes, oh yes," moaned the foot - foreseeing that the sole to whom it spoke would somehow deliver some undesirable news to it, yet not knowing what that news might in fact be - "pray, do tell me where I may find my good companion, for I am eager to engage it on yet another enjoyable adventure with me."
The kindred sole sat staring and listening quietly to the words of the foot. It did not immediately dish out a reply, but instead stared and stared in silence at the foot for a considerable amount of time.
Then, out of the blue, the sole broke out into a huge fit of laughter. The laughter was so loud and deep that it echoed all around them, and its sound extended even to the far ends of the distant lands.
The foot was now more frantic than ever. It felt its very muscles tense up, and yet it could only wait to discover if this kindred sole indeed would tell it where it could find its much missed sole mate. Its very toes grew pale and numb with anticipation and dread. It waited.
Finally, after awhile, the kindred sole regained its composure and offered the answer of which it had had with it all along, as to the whereabouts of the missing sole.
"It has gone on another trip," the kindred sole explained in a calm, soft tone (which the foot had trouble hearing now, since before this the kindred sole had laughed so very loud), "for another has set foot here, and successfully entreated your beloved sole to follow it on a journey to the faraway places which we can only glimpse at from our own mountain peaks."
The foot let out a little gasp of surprise, as it had not expected that the sole that it dearly loved would do such a thing as to embark on an adventure on its own, and with another foot, even. But there was nothing the foot could do. The foot was neither very strong nor fast, and could not possibly catch up with the sole in order to turn it back and convince the sole to instead follow it rather than the other foot.
"Oh... oh..." the foot cried out in pain, "then there is nothing I can do for now..."
The kindred sole looked pitifully at the foot.
"Why does it matter so much to you that this particular sole be with you in your adventures? Are there not other worthy soles that could easily match its capabilities? After all, any companion is better than none at all..."
The foot writhed in pain at the very words of the sole.
But then, even though with not too small a difficulty, it said:
"Many a sole may come and go, but only once does a foot find a sole which it is willing to call its mate."
The kindred sole guffawed.
"Ah, what a foot you are! But you do realise, I hope, that the one sole you deem a sole mate has indeed many other interests of its own, which have nothing whatsoever to do with you. Inasmuch as you have high regards for this one sole, I do caution you that your friend the sole is a free sole, and may not always go the way you go. In fact, this sole has its sights on dwelling in the distant lands. You may find yourself one day, my foot, to be quite alone in your undertakings -"
To these words, the foot cried out, "Enough, enough! I will no longer hear your grim forebodings! You do not speak truth! This sole which you speak of is close to me, and we have had many good times together! It cannot be that the sole would ever abandon me... not this sole mate..."
"Well, do not say that you have not been warned...." said the kindred sole in a quiet voice. "You hope too much on a free sole."
And with those words, the kindred sole moved away from the foot, leaving it to its own devices.
Now, the foot did something very silly. In its shock and frustration, it did not move from its spot where it has stood talking to the kindred sole before. This was in fact right in front of the dwelling place of its currently missing sole mate.
The foot could have gone on its adventure - with or without the sole - but the foot had grown so accustomed to having the sole around, that it felt the journey was not worth the trouble now that it would be making it on its own.
So the foot decided to wait where it was, for when the sole would return, so it could have a chat with the sole and sort out whether in fact what the kindred sole had said was true. But more than anything, the foot merely wanted to tell the sole how greatly it had been missed.
So the foot waited. And waited. And waited.
It tapped its toes in impatience, restlessness.
The night fell on the land where the foot was. It was cold, and the foot felt both sad and silly that it was out there in the dead of night without the warmth and company of its dear friend, the sole.
Finally, the sole showed up.
It was in a gay mood, as it had had a fantastic time over the many hours before. It shuffled along merrily, right up to the door of its dwellings, whistling a happy tune. Only just before it had gottten round to opening the door did the sole notice the presence of the now weary foot, which stood close by.
"Ah!" The foot exclaimed, suddenly filled with joy at the mere sight of the sole. "My dear sole, where have you been?"
"Oh, my foot! There you are! I have had the most wonderful of adventures. Do come in! Come in! I am just about to go in myself, and I will tell you all about it. Why, there were the tallest, greenest trees I have ever seen in my entire life..."
And with an ongoing flurry of words the sole went on incessantly about the tales of its recent journey. The foot, caught up in the joy of the moment, set itself obediently inside the home of the sole, and was soon taken in by the story which the sole was so animatedly sharing. It did not have any chance to put in a word about how much it had missed the sole, and how disappointed it had been and the pain it felt at being left behind. But the sole went on and on. And the foot did find the sole's stories rather intriguing, so much so that the foot soon forgave the sole for its careless abandonment of it.
'After all,' the foot thought to itself, 'it is good that the sole is here now. At the very least I can enjoy its company.'
Although the foot had been weary from its waiting, it listened as intently as it could to the sole's long tales.
The sole and the foot remained good friends for a much longer time afterward, and they embarked on many an adventure together. The foot was once again happy in the company of its sole mate, although occasionally it was overcome by a strange sadness whenever it suddenly recalled the words of the kindred sole that had been spoken to it:
"You hope too much on a free sole."
Then one day, as the foot was merrily skipping along with the sole, the sole suddenly spoke up and said, "My dear foot, I have some news for you. I am planning for a trip to the far-off places, and I will not return afterward."
The foot stopped dead in its tracks. Its every muscle was tensed and wrought with the most sickening of emotions. Again, the words of the kindred sole came to it, and it shuddered with the realisation that those words were in fact very much true of its sole mate.
"But... why-" The foot blurted out, but it could not bring itself to ask further what it had really meant to ask.
"Oh, for many reasons," the sole sang out gaily. "I have been there several times, and I think I would be happier there."
The foot writhed in its own pain, but upon hearing the sole say that it would be happier dwelling in a distant land, it did not try to coax the sole into staying.
'What use would it be?' Thought the foot to itself. 'After all, the sole has already set in its heart that it would want to go there. And if it will be happier there, why should I stop it from going?"
The sole had once again begun on one of its chatty moods, and talked incessantly in excitement about its plans to journey to its dream destination. The foot was sad that the sole was leaving, and even more so because the sole had not noticed how this news had greatly affected it.
At last, the foot blurted out, "But what about our adventures? Will you not want to journey together anymore?"
At these words, the sole stopped short in its conversation. For a moment, it looked thoughtful and gazed tenderly at the foot.
Then however, it said, "I do not know for certain if it's a good thing that we should continue to keep company with each other."
"But why is that?" The foot cried, very much astonished that the sole should say such things to it.
The sole did not offer much explanation but merely said, "I do not know."
And so more and more the foot found itself in a knot of pain. Yet despite all this, the foot still invited the sole to a few of its other adventures, as it knew it had only limited time left to spend with the sole it loved so dearly. The sole happily accepted each invitation, and it seemed to the foot that the sole did enjoy those adventures too. Nevertheless, there was a growing confusion for the foot on why the sole did not consider how greatly its planned departure would in fact affect the foot. But it was a free sole, and it appeared to be true - at least as far as the foot could see - that the words of the kindred sole were right after all.
So finally the day came for the sole to depart. The foot stood by as the sole gathered its things and motioned to leave in the direction of faraway worlds that would soon separate the foot from its beloved sole mate. The sole was again in a fit of immense excitement, and in its hurry to leave, did not even look back to say a proper goodbye to the foot as it trotted off in the company of another foot who would carry it to its new home.
So the foot stood watching as the sole made its exit. The foot's toes felt cold and numb as a sudden gust of wind blew upon it. It felt alone. It felt sorry for itself. It remained limp and idle for the longest time, and contemplated if ever it should embark on another adventure again. Or if it should ever want the company of other soles for such journeys.
What became of the foot we cannot really know, for the foot, in its downtrodden state, retreated into an obscure place to seek for itself what new things it might do.
The sole, on the other hand, became more and more famous in its comfy corner of the faraway lands, and found company in many feet who wanted very much to associate with an outstanding sole such as it.
And as is the common knowledge these days, soles are forever free, but feet can only but stand alone.
There was one daring enough.
As with all things beautiful, there was utter innocence in the day that the one sole was taken in by the foot. The foot was optimistic and trusting, and eagerly slid itself into the shoe of which the sole took residence.
The sole didn't mind, since the sole was a friendly one, and thought to itself that this was akin to any regular engagement, of the sort that it had always had for whoever and whatever crossed its path.
So the sole & the foot grew to be friends.
Time passed swiftly.
The foot grew, and had many opportunities for journeys and adventures. So, as the story goes, the foot many a time would slide alongside the sole, and graciously bring the sole along into its many destinations that it set foot on. So the foot was happy, because it could gladly share its experiences with its sole mate. For much of the time, the sole was happy too, because the sole also enjoyed being part of the foot's adventures.
However, the poor sole was neither a great thinker nor planner. For you see, the sole also followed many other feet on their travels, that were very much different indeed from those in which the foot would invite it to go for. This was because the sole was a free sole, and could go wherever it pleased and could attach itself to whichever foot that suited its fancy.
So, at times, the sole would get tied up in other adventures, to the exclusion of the foot. The sole immensely enjoyed those adventures, although the foot was not a part of them, because the sole had a hunger for things in the valleys and mountains far beyond its dwellings. These feet folk would often go there, and the sole looked forward greatly to each time it was privileged enough to be carried along to those distant, mystical lands.
The foot was aware of the sole's fascinations, but did not think much of it, for after all, the foot reasoned that the sole & itself had had many memorable trips together, and surely the sole's interest in foreign places could not possibly jeopardise the good company which the foot kept the sole in, and the many opportunities for fun that the foot often shared graciously with the sole.
Then one day, in the early hours of the morning, the foot went off in search of the sole, for the foot had just prepared itself for another journey, and was eager to tell the sole of it, for the foot had hoped that they would be able to go off for the trip together. The foot was in a joyous mood, and could hardly wait to find its sole mate in order to break to it the lovely news of the impending adventure that they would have before them.
But alas! To the foot's dismay, the sole was nowhere to be found. The foot had already set itself right at the place of the sole's dwelling, but the sole had apparently disappeared. By chance, another sole happened to flit by, and the anxious foot hurried towards that other sole. As it turned out, the other sole was in fact a close companion of the one sole that the foot was in search of.
"Where has my sole mate gone?" Asked the now desperate foot.
A feeling of gloom and despair had quickly swept over it and threatened to make its steps falter. Its very stance felt shaky, and an unusual fatigue had arisen, which gnawed at the foot to its very bones.
"Is it that one sole that you seek?" The kindred sole spoke in reply.
"Yes, oh yes," moaned the foot - foreseeing that the sole to whom it spoke would somehow deliver some undesirable news to it, yet not knowing what that news might in fact be - "pray, do tell me where I may find my good companion, for I am eager to engage it on yet another enjoyable adventure with me."
The kindred sole sat staring and listening quietly to the words of the foot. It did not immediately dish out a reply, but instead stared and stared in silence at the foot for a considerable amount of time.
Then, out of the blue, the sole broke out into a huge fit of laughter. The laughter was so loud and deep that it echoed all around them, and its sound extended even to the far ends of the distant lands.
The foot was now more frantic than ever. It felt its very muscles tense up, and yet it could only wait to discover if this kindred sole indeed would tell it where it could find its much missed sole mate. Its very toes grew pale and numb with anticipation and dread. It waited.
Finally, after awhile, the kindred sole regained its composure and offered the answer of which it had had with it all along, as to the whereabouts of the missing sole.
"It has gone on another trip," the kindred sole explained in a calm, soft tone (which the foot had trouble hearing now, since before this the kindred sole had laughed so very loud), "for another has set foot here, and successfully entreated your beloved sole to follow it on a journey to the faraway places which we can only glimpse at from our own mountain peaks."
The foot let out a little gasp of surprise, as it had not expected that the sole that it dearly loved would do such a thing as to embark on an adventure on its own, and with another foot, even. But there was nothing the foot could do. The foot was neither very strong nor fast, and could not possibly catch up with the sole in order to turn it back and convince the sole to instead follow it rather than the other foot.
"Oh... oh..." the foot cried out in pain, "then there is nothing I can do for now..."
The kindred sole looked pitifully at the foot.
"Why does it matter so much to you that this particular sole be with you in your adventures? Are there not other worthy soles that could easily match its capabilities? After all, any companion is better than none at all..."
The foot writhed in pain at the very words of the sole.
But then, even though with not too small a difficulty, it said:
"Many a sole may come and go, but only once does a foot find a sole which it is willing to call its mate."
The kindred sole guffawed.
"Ah, what a foot you are! But you do realise, I hope, that the one sole you deem a sole mate has indeed many other interests of its own, which have nothing whatsoever to do with you. Inasmuch as you have high regards for this one sole, I do caution you that your friend the sole is a free sole, and may not always go the way you go. In fact, this sole has its sights on dwelling in the distant lands. You may find yourself one day, my foot, to be quite alone in your undertakings -"
To these words, the foot cried out, "Enough, enough! I will no longer hear your grim forebodings! You do not speak truth! This sole which you speak of is close to me, and we have had many good times together! It cannot be that the sole would ever abandon me... not this sole mate..."
"Well, do not say that you have not been warned...." said the kindred sole in a quiet voice. "You hope too much on a free sole."
And with those words, the kindred sole moved away from the foot, leaving it to its own devices.
Now, the foot did something very silly. In its shock and frustration, it did not move from its spot where it has stood talking to the kindred sole before. This was in fact right in front of the dwelling place of its currently missing sole mate.
The foot could have gone on its adventure - with or without the sole - but the foot had grown so accustomed to having the sole around, that it felt the journey was not worth the trouble now that it would be making it on its own.
So the foot decided to wait where it was, for when the sole would return, so it could have a chat with the sole and sort out whether in fact what the kindred sole had said was true. But more than anything, the foot merely wanted to tell the sole how greatly it had been missed.
So the foot waited. And waited. And waited.
It tapped its toes in impatience, restlessness.
The night fell on the land where the foot was. It was cold, and the foot felt both sad and silly that it was out there in the dead of night without the warmth and company of its dear friend, the sole.
Finally, the sole showed up.
It was in a gay mood, as it had had a fantastic time over the many hours before. It shuffled along merrily, right up to the door of its dwellings, whistling a happy tune. Only just before it had gottten round to opening the door did the sole notice the presence of the now weary foot, which stood close by.
"Ah!" The foot exclaimed, suddenly filled with joy at the mere sight of the sole. "My dear sole, where have you been?"
"Oh, my foot! There you are! I have had the most wonderful of adventures. Do come in! Come in! I am just about to go in myself, and I will tell you all about it. Why, there were the tallest, greenest trees I have ever seen in my entire life..."
And with an ongoing flurry of words the sole went on incessantly about the tales of its recent journey. The foot, caught up in the joy of the moment, set itself obediently inside the home of the sole, and was soon taken in by the story which the sole was so animatedly sharing. It did not have any chance to put in a word about how much it had missed the sole, and how disappointed it had been and the pain it felt at being left behind. But the sole went on and on. And the foot did find the sole's stories rather intriguing, so much so that the foot soon forgave the sole for its careless abandonment of it.
'After all,' the foot thought to itself, 'it is good that the sole is here now. At the very least I can enjoy its company.'
Although the foot had been weary from its waiting, it listened as intently as it could to the sole's long tales.
The sole and the foot remained good friends for a much longer time afterward, and they embarked on many an adventure together. The foot was once again happy in the company of its sole mate, although occasionally it was overcome by a strange sadness whenever it suddenly recalled the words of the kindred sole that had been spoken to it:
"You hope too much on a free sole."
Then one day, as the foot was merrily skipping along with the sole, the sole suddenly spoke up and said, "My dear foot, I have some news for you. I am planning for a trip to the far-off places, and I will not return afterward."
The foot stopped dead in its tracks. Its every muscle was tensed and wrought with the most sickening of emotions. Again, the words of the kindred sole came to it, and it shuddered with the realisation that those words were in fact very much true of its sole mate.
"But... why-" The foot blurted out, but it could not bring itself to ask further what it had really meant to ask.
"Oh, for many reasons," the sole sang out gaily. "I have been there several times, and I think I would be happier there."
The foot writhed in its own pain, but upon hearing the sole say that it would be happier dwelling in a distant land, it did not try to coax the sole into staying.
'What use would it be?' Thought the foot to itself. 'After all, the sole has already set in its heart that it would want to go there. And if it will be happier there, why should I stop it from going?"
The sole had once again begun on one of its chatty moods, and talked incessantly in excitement about its plans to journey to its dream destination. The foot was sad that the sole was leaving, and even more so because the sole had not noticed how this news had greatly affected it.
At last, the foot blurted out, "But what about our adventures? Will you not want to journey together anymore?"
At these words, the sole stopped short in its conversation. For a moment, it looked thoughtful and gazed tenderly at the foot.
Then however, it said, "I do not know for certain if it's a good thing that we should continue to keep company with each other."
"But why is that?" The foot cried, very much astonished that the sole should say such things to it.
The sole did not offer much explanation but merely said, "I do not know."
And so more and more the foot found itself in a knot of pain. Yet despite all this, the foot still invited the sole to a few of its other adventures, as it knew it had only limited time left to spend with the sole it loved so dearly. The sole happily accepted each invitation, and it seemed to the foot that the sole did enjoy those adventures too. Nevertheless, there was a growing confusion for the foot on why the sole did not consider how greatly its planned departure would in fact affect the foot. But it was a free sole, and it appeared to be true - at least as far as the foot could see - that the words of the kindred sole were right after all.
So finally the day came for the sole to depart. The foot stood by as the sole gathered its things and motioned to leave in the direction of faraway worlds that would soon separate the foot from its beloved sole mate. The sole was again in a fit of immense excitement, and in its hurry to leave, did not even look back to say a proper goodbye to the foot as it trotted off in the company of another foot who would carry it to its new home.
So the foot stood watching as the sole made its exit. The foot's toes felt cold and numb as a sudden gust of wind blew upon it. It felt alone. It felt sorry for itself. It remained limp and idle for the longest time, and contemplated if ever it should embark on another adventure again. Or if it should ever want the company of other soles for such journeys.
What became of the foot we cannot really know, for the foot, in its downtrodden state, retreated into an obscure place to seek for itself what new things it might do.
The sole, on the other hand, became more and more famous in its comfy corner of the faraway lands, and found company in many feet who wanted very much to associate with an outstanding sole such as it.
And as is the common knowledge these days, soles are forever free, but feet can only but stand alone.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Sunday, September 30, 2007
sick sick sick
i'm sick of crying. i'm sick of feeling sick. i'm sick of being forgotten. i'm sick of never belonging. i'm sick of you never remembering.
Friday, September 21, 2007
okay so maybe i'm a tad jealous
alright. i'll admit. i can't stand it how things are going well for everyone else. it's nice for them, and i wish them well, but i can't help wondering why things aren't so peachy for me. maybe i'm just a grouch, i dunno. well in any case, there's nothing i can do.
hopefulness gets you nowhere. nowhere at all.
and there's a very thin line between faith and wistfulness.
and i think i crossed that line.
hopefulness gets you nowhere. nowhere at all.
and there's a very thin line between faith and wistfulness.
and i think i crossed that line.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
how do you describe the way you feel without evoking drama and uncovering dead issues presumably buried in an unmarked graveyard somewhere
it's just too impractical.
it's just too illogical.
i feel lousy that it bothers me.
but brother, it does.
dear you,
if i said i wish i didn't know you, that is probably untrue.
but i wish you would stop bugging me.
yes, you don't call. you don't email. you don't snail mail. etc.
but you don't have to communicate to make me miserable.
i just am.
because of what went down.
because of how i just plainly got left behind.
because of the way that it is different now.
it's nice to know you're not looking back.
but YOU didn't have to deal with being in those places alone.
you didn't have people showering 101 comments on you for what transpired.
you didn't have people pre-judge the situation.
you just went.
and left me these irreconciliable memories.
if there is such a thing.
how can you say you meant it [well] when you gave up so easily?
how can you say "god will surely.." when you couldn't even figure out for yourself what he wanted?
where is the justice in that you always seem to be riding high with your head in the sky and i am here, dealing with the loneliness, and the searing ache, and the ridiculous hopes, and every other illogical misery?
if god was really in charge, how come we end up on 2 different ends of the spectrum?
what's the deal with this?
i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.
if i could collect for you all the tears i've shed over these many months on your account, and if they could incriminate you, i think maybe i've built a solid enough evidence to have you jailed for life.
they should jail you for life.
and let me be the only one with the key.
am i going mad?
maybe.
do i care?
maybe not.
never.
what use is sanity when life only offers you insane things?
you buried me alive.
yes you did.
i hope you live to regret.
it's just too illogical.
i feel lousy that it bothers me.
but brother, it does.
dear you,
if i said i wish i didn't know you, that is probably untrue.
but i wish you would stop bugging me.
yes, you don't call. you don't email. you don't snail mail. etc.
but you don't have to communicate to make me miserable.
i just am.
because of what went down.
because of how i just plainly got left behind.
because of the way that it is different now.
it's nice to know you're not looking back.
but YOU didn't have to deal with being in those places alone.
you didn't have people showering 101 comments on you for what transpired.
you didn't have people pre-judge the situation.
you just went.
and left me these irreconciliable memories.
if there is such a thing.
how can you say you meant it [well] when you gave up so easily?
how can you say "god will surely.." when you couldn't even figure out for yourself what he wanted?
where is the justice in that you always seem to be riding high with your head in the sky and i am here, dealing with the loneliness, and the searing ache, and the ridiculous hopes, and every other illogical misery?
if god was really in charge, how come we end up on 2 different ends of the spectrum?
what's the deal with this?
i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.
if i could collect for you all the tears i've shed over these many months on your account, and if they could incriminate you, i think maybe i've built a solid enough evidence to have you jailed for life.
they should jail you for life.
and let me be the only one with the key.
am i going mad?
maybe.
do i care?
maybe not.
never.
what use is sanity when life only offers you insane things?
you buried me alive.
yes you did.
i hope you live to regret.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
So...
are you happy now?
yeah, i bet you are.
i'm just that conveniently forgotten part of your long forsaken past.
cheers, brotha'.
i just needed your saving.
but you wouldn't give it. you wouldn't have any of it.
happy living out there.
oh wait, i mean down under there.
i miss you.
i will always miss you.
and you, you will always want to forget me.
i'm glad your life's peachy perfect now.
i must've been the imperfect speck that ruined it all.
so now. you can have it all.
go right on and live.
but i'm tearing apart.
with or without you.
dont give me that nonsense about how you hope you haven't scarred me for life.
like you cared anyway.
you just say your sorries and move on.
always on the move.
i hope someday you'll realise how much this affects other people.
i hope someday you'll hurt because somebody else left you behind the way you left me then maybe...
maybe you'll suddenly remember me.
and hopefully you'll be eternally seared with regret by then.
and i will be nowhere to be found.
i just want you to be guilty.
i just wanted you to want me.
and all you wanted was for me to disappear.
you have that now.
so i guess you must be happy.
yeah, i bet you are.
i'm just that conveniently forgotten part of your long forsaken past.
cheers, brotha'.
i just needed your saving.
but you wouldn't give it. you wouldn't have any of it.
happy living out there.
oh wait, i mean down under there.
i miss you.
i will always miss you.
and you, you will always want to forget me.
i'm glad your life's peachy perfect now.
i must've been the imperfect speck that ruined it all.
so now. you can have it all.
go right on and live.
but i'm tearing apart.
with or without you.
dont give me that nonsense about how you hope you haven't scarred me for life.
like you cared anyway.
you just say your sorries and move on.
always on the move.
i hope someday you'll realise how much this affects other people.
i hope someday you'll hurt because somebody else left you behind the way you left me then maybe...
maybe you'll suddenly remember me.
and hopefully you'll be eternally seared with regret by then.
and i will be nowhere to be found.
i just want you to be guilty.
i just wanted you to want me.
and all you wanted was for me to disappear.
you have that now.
so i guess you must be happy.
Haha. PG Rated.
Oh wow. I feel somewhat proud of this. I mean, this is SO not me.
Which means that the chances are lower that someone will actually find me out.
And you know, it stinks to be forgotten. Downright stinks. It burns you up inside. And the ironic thing is this is somebody who supposedly loved me. LoveD me. Loves me no more.
Well, I still love you, you little creep.
Oh wait. I mean,
you fat lump of lazyness and feigned concern and high ambitions and broken promises and short term memory and careless words and immature perspectives and inconceivable zealousness for God and pride with no hopes of relent and what my friends call plainly, IRRESPONSIBLE.
I guess I was too kind in defending you before.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
**** you
Now. What did you THINK I said?
It's all about perception. Just because I put asterisks there instead of typing out the actual word, you'd assume it was a four letter cuss word. Aha. Gotcha there.
What if I meant to say something else? For instance, "hate you" or "want you" or "need you" or even "LOVE you"?
You wouldn't have expected that, would you?
We make things out to be as we think. But they may not very well be.
It's all about perception. Just because I put asterisks there instead of typing out the actual word, you'd assume it was a four letter cuss word. Aha. Gotcha there.
What if I meant to say something else? For instance, "hate you" or "want you" or "need you" or even "LOVE you"?
You wouldn't have expected that, would you?
We make things out to be as we think. But they may not very well be.
The Song You Didn't Sing
If a picture paints a thousand words,
Then why can't I paint you?
The words will never show the you I've come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships,
Then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you,
You're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
You come and pour yourself on me.
If a man could be two places at one time,
I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you.
And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
Then you and I would simply fly away
-from Bread's If
Then why can't I paint you?
The words will never show the you I've come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships,
Then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you,
You're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
You come and pour yourself on me.
If a man could be two places at one time,
I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you.
And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
Then you and I would simply fly away
-from Bread's If
If You Discovered This Spot
Could you please own up?
I was careless once. So maybe some of you DO know about this little hiding ranting place of mine. Well, if you do, please could you just let me know?
So I can have a good reason to release my pent-up frustrations on a real person rather than here on a highly unvisited unnoticed unknown corner of the Internet.
I was careless once. So maybe some of you DO know about this little hiding ranting place of mine. Well, if you do, please could you just let me know?
So I can have a good reason to release my pent-up frustrations on a real person rather than here on a highly unvisited unnoticed unknown corner of the Internet.
So It Goes
That you love every other place but here. And why is that?
The traffic is a pain. The leaders are untrustable. Everywhere else is doing better financially. The government is corrupt. There is undue biasness in society. Things are second class. Working hours are too long, pay is not lucrative enough, social benefits are meagre, children get a lower grade education. Important things are jacked up in prices way too much. Public transport is lousy. The community is uncaring. Crime rate is climbing. Opportunities of success are bleak. Houses are too small. The air is hazy. We do too many direct copycat efforts of overseas television programs.
Everyone else is leaving.
Like I told someone once, if you choose the easy way out by leaving, you solve your problems, no doubt. But you don't solve everyone else's. And if everyone thinks the same way, then we only bring things down further.
Stand and say you will be here. That your heart beats with loyalty. Pride. Hope. That your hands are ready to be put to work, and your mind ever determined that you will let the renown be channelled here and NOT elsewhere. Right here.
God put us here for a specific purpose. Do you not think that perhaps you are foregoing yours?
The traffic is a pain. The leaders are untrustable. Everywhere else is doing better financially. The government is corrupt. There is undue biasness in society. Things are second class. Working hours are too long, pay is not lucrative enough, social benefits are meagre, children get a lower grade education. Important things are jacked up in prices way too much. Public transport is lousy. The community is uncaring. Crime rate is climbing. Opportunities of success are bleak. Houses are too small. The air is hazy. We do too many direct copycat efforts of overseas television programs.
Everyone else is leaving.
Like I told someone once, if you choose the easy way out by leaving, you solve your problems, no doubt. But you don't solve everyone else's. And if everyone thinks the same way, then we only bring things down further.
Stand and say you will be here. That your heart beats with loyalty. Pride. Hope. That your hands are ready to be put to work, and your mind ever determined that you will let the renown be channelled here and NOT elsewhere. Right here.
God put us here for a specific purpose. Do you not think that perhaps you are foregoing yours?
Typical Typical
There are things you see take place around you at times that you vow to yourself you will not allow to happen when it's in your control. When it's your turn.
Tonight I am reminded of such things. And although I can't say it won't happen when it depends on me to determine how it'll go, I'll try my level best to be considerate and compassionate. To remember what it's like.
Because most times people forget. I admit I do too, but I've been on the receiving end of the pain too many times to allow myself to forget...
When and if it EVER comes around, I hope to NOT:
And I'm thinking maybe I may never need to check myself on the above list. Because maybe I may never be in that same position as you. Maybe I'll always be there on the outside looking in, and because nobody else feels the lack, the same old typical things will just keep repeating themselves and sticking right up in my face.
And yeah. I wish you well if you are blessed enough to be spared from being on this side of never.
Tonight I am reminded of such things. And although I can't say it won't happen when it depends on me to determine how it'll go, I'll try my level best to be considerate and compassionate. To remember what it's like.
Because most times people forget. I admit I do too, but I've been on the receiving end of the pain too many times to allow myself to forget...
When and if it EVER comes around, I hope to NOT:
- Post up pictures about it on Friendster
- Publicise it to the whole world that it's happened to me and that I am ever so blessed and that it's so wonderful and everything's pure bliss
- Ignore everyone else just because I've got guranteed company
- Fail to shut up about how there's hope for the one lacking, and that 'oh, don't worry your time will come' (as if I can tell what their future's going be like)
- Grin from ear to ear so that even when I don't talk about it everyone can just about guess what it's about
- Talk non-stop about that one person
- Turn all mushy and extra nice and soft and suddenly at a state of [faked and temporary] peace with the rest of the world
- Talk long on the phone when I know the person who happens to be with me knows what it's all about and it'd rub it in unnecessarily to ignore them
- Forget to look into the here and now, and get caught up in my own true fantasy-reality
- Mention "my *********" or "my **" or "my ******" in every other sentence
- Pretend like it's just another ordinary when it's obvious it's not
- Publish blog posts about it and make long and numerous dedications
- Spill my happiness onto people for whom no promise of happiness can be made
- To forget that not everyone is on cloud 9 though I might be
And I'm thinking maybe I may never need to check myself on the above list. Because maybe I may never be in that same position as you. Maybe I'll always be there on the outside looking in, and because nobody else feels the lack, the same old typical things will just keep repeating themselves and sticking right up in my face.
And yeah. I wish you well if you are blessed enough to be spared from being on this side of never.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Believe Me, I Tried
But it won't go away. Tell me what should I do. Do something for me. Make me better. Make me feel like I am indeed wanted. Say that something's changed. That there will be comfort. Erase what was before with new memories of pleasant things. Of promises. Of hope. Stay. Say it was all a crazy unreal nightmare and that I can wake up to something good and lasting and beautiful. Tell me I did the right thing. That it was worthwhile. That nothing's ever wasted and that love can save the day. That there are no endings if we don't give in, and no beginnings if we are not brave enough. Take my hand. Walk with me. Need me. Find a place for me. Pray for me. Look for me. Tell me for certain that God will save a happily ever after for me, somehow.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
graffiti
forever never underestimated forgotten trodden grave grit unperturbed onward glee anger greetings meetings farewells smells swell rot harden fall strip hit miss hurt sunk hung stolen token drop cut bleed ebb away bury numb frozen crap stench hack pierce push shove cramp murder hell burn suffer eternally altered faltered crumbled fumbled faltered grim trim thimble pinned needle nonsense needed neglected poison eat decay frayed too long delayed stray end
Inconsistencies, Inconsistencies
Seems like my ranting's never done.
But oh, you make me sick. So sick. So sick of the inconsistencies. Sick of being down. Of thinking that it was ever worth any of my time. Of the illusions of how sweet things could be. The dissappointments and the ambitions that seem to be nothing more than words. Over and over. And wondering what it was that made me happy in the first place.
I re-read what you said. Remembered for a brief moment how hopeful it had seemed.
Utter nonsense and a freaking waste of time.
Who are you?
I don't know you anymore.
There's this tender part of me that thinks there's always a fix for everything. That no matter how far gone things get, there's always redemption, there's always the possibility of things being mended, made okay again.
This is not okay. It will never be.
Never again.
Stay away.
That's how you chose it. And I guess that's how it should always stay.
But oh, you make me sick. So sick. So sick of the inconsistencies. Sick of being down. Of thinking that it was ever worth any of my time. Of the illusions of how sweet things could be. The dissappointments and the ambitions that seem to be nothing more than words. Over and over. And wondering what it was that made me happy in the first place.
I re-read what you said. Remembered for a brief moment how hopeful it had seemed.
Utter nonsense and a freaking waste of time.
Who are you?
I don't know you anymore.
There's this tender part of me that thinks there's always a fix for everything. That no matter how far gone things get, there's always redemption, there's always the possibility of things being mended, made okay again.
This is not okay. It will never be.
Never again.
Stay away.
That's how you chose it. And I guess that's how it should always stay.
Monday, May 28, 2007
segalanya hanya keranamu
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ah. apa lagi yg boleh ku katakan? tak kira apa jua yg ku ucapkan, yg ku kirimkan, pasti keadaan tetap seperti kini. bukan yg kau tak mau mendengarnya, tapi ia tak memberi makna sepertimana yg ku harapkan.
biarlah, bisik hatiku.
biarlah.
ku cuma harapkan perkara yg baik. ku menanti perkara yg tak mungkin akan terjadi, sampai bila pun.
semoga kau senantiasa dilindungi dlm rahmatNya dan mengecapi segala mimpi yg tertera dlm hatimu. semoga hatimu riang selalu, dan tak sekalipun terasa akan kesedihan dan deraan jiwa yg melanda jiwaku tanpa kehabisan. ku tahu, pendirianmu ini direstuiNya, dan hanya tinggal aku di sini.
seorang, dan merana.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.
_________________________________________________________
ah. apa lagi yg boleh ku katakan? tak kira apa jua yg ku ucapkan, yg ku kirimkan, pasti keadaan tetap seperti kini. bukan yg kau tak mau mendengarnya, tapi ia tak memberi makna sepertimana yg ku harapkan.
biarlah, bisik hatiku.
biarlah.
ku cuma harapkan perkara yg baik. ku menanti perkara yg tak mungkin akan terjadi, sampai bila pun.
semoga kau senantiasa dilindungi dlm rahmatNya dan mengecapi segala mimpi yg tertera dlm hatimu. semoga hatimu riang selalu, dan tak sekalipun terasa akan kesedihan dan deraan jiwa yg melanda jiwaku tanpa kehabisan. ku tahu, pendirianmu ini direstuiNya, dan hanya tinggal aku di sini.
seorang, dan merana.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Crazed Confessions
it's silly that i can rant away here and nobody would care. nobody would know.
i'm angry.
i'm frustrated.
i'm sick of looking at stupidly blurry horizons.
i'm down to my last trickle of hazy hope.
i would kill myself if i was courageous enough.
c'mon. wreck my day.
one more time.
make it hurt enough so i can be put out of misery.
better still, finish the job yourself.
here, what do need?
a knife?
a gun?
a pill?
addicts need fuel.
fire up.
maybe this'll be the final time.
i'm angry.
i'm frustrated.
i'm sick of looking at stupidly blurry horizons.
i'm down to my last trickle of hazy hope.
i would kill myself if i was courageous enough.
c'mon. wreck my day.
one more time.
make it hurt enough so i can be put out of misery.
better still, finish the job yourself.
here, what do need?
a knife?
a gun?
a pill?
addicts need fuel.
fire up.
maybe this'll be the final time.
Irony
and when the end's in sight, and i look back in wonder.
i will always wonder why it was the way it was.
i will always be left clueless.
and the words will come but never reach your ears.
and the consequences will abound, yet you will never bear them.
you would never share them.
you would never know this.
you.
you.
you.
goodbye.
you.
i will always wonder why it was the way it was.
i will always be left clueless.
and the words will come but never reach your ears.
and the consequences will abound, yet you will never bear them.
you would never share them.
you would never know this.
you.
you.
you.
goodbye.
you.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Killing Time
Do you notice how we tend to associate certain images/objects with particular concepts in our minds?
Well, for instance, a mention of the word "school" would conjure up visions of wooden desks and blackboards for some, whilst others imagine P.E. in the open green fields or whiteboards and the smell of marker pens (for those of the younger era) or maybe the shrieky, eardrum piercing voice of the most dreaded teacher from some past year at school. In other words, if you were to see those same objects or situations at a later time in your life, it would somehow invoke memories of school, due to the way your mind has associated it to your understanding of what "school" means...
Ah well. I'm not here to talk about school. That was merely to illustrate my point. The point being that certain things tend to remind us of a certain something else, which, although on the surface the two may not seem directly related, yet because of our personal experiences, somehow they are connected in the way we think about them.
Well, for me, whenever I think of the word/concept of waiting, one of the first pictures that comes to my mind is that of the traffic light. Being a driver, all too often I am faced with the predicament of having to stop on a red light and wait it out till the light turns to green before resuming my journey.
And I guess I'd like to think of waiting in this way. That waiting entails having to freeze or put a halt to the momentum of things, and then to bide your time and look out for the moment when the lights turn green. Or rather, for a clear sign when the wait is clearly over. In other words, you don't wait forever. A time comes when you can take action. Move along. Breathe a sigh of relief and then resume your journey. Or perhaps re-examine your route and change your course.
I'd like to have that sort of confidence that there will be a good ending to a long wait. Because I've definitely seen some agonisingly long red lights in my driving experiences. But the thing is, no matter how long you wait, definitely the green light will come eventually.
But oh, life does not always afford good endings. Inevitably, things change and you move on, but sometimes you look back and wonder... what was that all about? And sometimes it feels as if the traffic light you're stuck at is in fact spoilt, because the red light seems to last forever. And at other times, you try to speed the pace of things up in attempts to avoid being trapped on a red light (read: jumping the light) only to find yourself crashing right into an accident just a little further up ahead.
What exactly should you do at a red light in your life? Do you turn up the music of distraction/melancholy/past memories and sing your heart out to it? Or tap your fingers restlessly on the side of the car door and get all anxious? Pick up your mobile phone and find someone to converse with to ease the anxiety? Or simply stare into space and try hard to imagine the much desired happy resolution to the uncertainties that the waiting has induced?
And how do you deal with the heart wrenching emotions that well up at the very sight of a yellow light? Do you speed up to try and beat the red light, in hopes of steering yourself closer to the course in life you wanted to take? Or do you slow down cautiously and wait to see what happens, at the risk of losing out on something due to responding way too late?
And when does the green ever come? Even if it does, how do you handle it? Does it make you reconsider your route? Do you take for granted that it means you can do whatever you like, hence speeding through things presumptiously, only to land in serious injuries imminent from an accident that was self-induced? Or do you regretfully take too long to respond, only to either end up stuck in another round of red lights, or worst still, to hold up others because of your over-cautiousness, or to even cause an accident just by getting in the way? Perhaps by the time the sight of the green light occurs, you've been too numbed by the endless wait that you don't even know how to get going anymore?
Grr. Perhaps this is not such a good analogy for waiting. Time is such a nerve wrecking concept. It is the trap that grips our whole life, and upon which every other valuable thing we ever hope to attain in life hangs in the balance. For it is Time that determines what endures, what matters in the end. Only that sometimes the things you hoped would matter disappear far too easily, much to your utter disappointment.
Come here, Time. I want to murder you properly. Leave me some hope, or else die. Die. DIE. And oh, take me along with you. Let's end this together.
After all... I've run out of time...
Or have I?
Well, for instance, a mention of the word "school" would conjure up visions of wooden desks and blackboards for some, whilst others imagine P.E. in the open green fields or whiteboards and the smell of marker pens (for those of the younger era) or maybe the shrieky, eardrum piercing voice of the most dreaded teacher from some past year at school. In other words, if you were to see those same objects or situations at a later time in your life, it would somehow invoke memories of school, due to the way your mind has associated it to your understanding of what "school" means...
Ah well. I'm not here to talk about school. That was merely to illustrate my point. The point being that certain things tend to remind us of a certain something else, which, although on the surface the two may not seem directly related, yet because of our personal experiences, somehow they are connected in the way we think about them.
Well, for me, whenever I think of the word/concept of waiting, one of the first pictures that comes to my mind is that of the traffic light. Being a driver, all too often I am faced with the predicament of having to stop on a red light and wait it out till the light turns to green before resuming my journey.
And I guess I'd like to think of waiting in this way. That waiting entails having to freeze or put a halt to the momentum of things, and then to bide your time and look out for the moment when the lights turn green. Or rather, for a clear sign when the wait is clearly over. In other words, you don't wait forever. A time comes when you can take action. Move along. Breathe a sigh of relief and then resume your journey. Or perhaps re-examine your route and change your course.
I'd like to have that sort of confidence that there will be a good ending to a long wait. Because I've definitely seen some agonisingly long red lights in my driving experiences. But the thing is, no matter how long you wait, definitely the green light will come eventually.
But oh, life does not always afford good endings. Inevitably, things change and you move on, but sometimes you look back and wonder... what was that all about? And sometimes it feels as if the traffic light you're stuck at is in fact spoilt, because the red light seems to last forever. And at other times, you try to speed the pace of things up in attempts to avoid being trapped on a red light (read: jumping the light) only to find yourself crashing right into an accident just a little further up ahead.
What exactly should you do at a red light in your life? Do you turn up the music of distraction/melancholy/past memories and sing your heart out to it? Or tap your fingers restlessly on the side of the car door and get all anxious? Pick up your mobile phone and find someone to converse with to ease the anxiety? Or simply stare into space and try hard to imagine the much desired happy resolution to the uncertainties that the waiting has induced?
And how do you deal with the heart wrenching emotions that well up at the very sight of a yellow light? Do you speed up to try and beat the red light, in hopes of steering yourself closer to the course in life you wanted to take? Or do you slow down cautiously and wait to see what happens, at the risk of losing out on something due to responding way too late?
And when does the green ever come? Even if it does, how do you handle it? Does it make you reconsider your route? Do you take for granted that it means you can do whatever you like, hence speeding through things presumptiously, only to land in serious injuries imminent from an accident that was self-induced? Or do you regretfully take too long to respond, only to either end up stuck in another round of red lights, or worst still, to hold up others because of your over-cautiousness, or to even cause an accident just by getting in the way? Perhaps by the time the sight of the green light occurs, you've been too numbed by the endless wait that you don't even know how to get going anymore?
Grr. Perhaps this is not such a good analogy for waiting. Time is such a nerve wrecking concept. It is the trap that grips our whole life, and upon which every other valuable thing we ever hope to attain in life hangs in the balance. For it is Time that determines what endures, what matters in the end. Only that sometimes the things you hoped would matter disappear far too easily, much to your utter disappointment.
Come here, Time. I want to murder you properly. Leave me some hope, or else die. Die. DIE. And oh, take me along with you. Let's end this together.
After all... I've run out of time...
Or have I?
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