Killing Time

Do you notice how we tend to associate certain images/objects with particular concepts in our minds?

Well, for instance, a mention of the word "school" would conjure up visions of wooden desks and blackboards for some, whilst others imagine P.E. in the open green fields or whiteboards and the smell of marker pens (for those of the younger era) or maybe the shrieky, eardrum piercing voice of the most dreaded teacher from some past year at school. In other words, if you were to see those same objects or situations at a later time in your life, it would somehow invoke memories of school, due to the way your mind has associated it to your understanding of what "school" means...

Ah well. I'm not here to talk about school. That was merely to illustrate my point. The point being that certain things tend to remind us of a certain something else, which, although on the surface the two may not seem directly related, yet because of our personal experiences, somehow they are connected in the way we think about them.

Well, for me, whenever I think of the word/concept of waiting, one of the first pictures that comes to my mind is that of the traffic light. Being a driver, all too often I am faced with the predicament of having to stop on a red light and wait it out till the light turns to green before resuming my journey.

And I guess I'd like to think of waiting in this way. That waiting entails having to freeze or put a halt to the momentum of things, and then to bide your time and look out for the moment when the lights turn green. Or rather, for a clear sign when the wait is clearly over. In other words, you don't wait forever. A time comes when you can take action. Move along. Breathe a sigh of relief and then resume your journey. Or perhaps re-examine your route and change your course.

I'd like to have that sort of confidence that there will be a good ending to a long wait. Because I've definitely seen some agonisingly long red lights in my driving experiences. But the thing is, no matter how long you wait, definitely the green light will come eventually.

But oh, life does not always afford good endings. Inevitably, things change and you move on, but sometimes you look back and wonder... what was that all about? And sometimes it feels as if the traffic light you're stuck at is in fact spoilt, because the red light seems to last forever. And at other times, you try to speed the pace of things up in attempts to avoid being trapped on a red light (read: jumping the light) only to find yourself crashing right into an accident just a little further up ahead.

What exactly should you do at a red light in your life? Do you turn up the music of distraction/melancholy/past memories and sing your heart out to it? Or tap your fingers restlessly on the side of the car door and get all anxious? Pick up your mobile phone and find someone to converse with to ease the anxiety? Or simply stare into space and try hard to imagine the much desired happy resolution to the uncertainties that the waiting has induced?

And how do you deal with the heart wrenching emotions that well up at the very sight of a yellow light? Do you speed up to try and beat the red light, in hopes of steering yourself closer to the course in life you wanted to take? Or do you slow down cautiously and wait to see what happens, at the risk of losing out on something due to responding way too late?

And when does the green ever come? Even if it does, how do you handle it? Does it make you reconsider your route? Do you take for granted that it means you can do whatever you like, hence speeding through things presumptiously, only to land in serious injuries imminent from an accident that was self-induced? Or do you regretfully take too long to respond, only to either end up stuck in another round of red lights, or worst still, to hold up others because of your over-cautiousness, or to even cause an accident just by getting in the way? Perhaps by the time the sight of the green light occurs, you've been too numbed by the endless wait that you don't even know how to get going anymore?

Grr. Perhaps this is not such a good analogy for waiting. Time is such a nerve wrecking concept. It is the trap that grips our whole life, and upon which every other valuable thing we ever hope to attain in life hangs in the balance. For it is Time that determines what endures, what matters in the end. Only that sometimes the things you hoped would matter disappear far too easily, much to your utter disappointment.

Come here, Time. I want to murder you properly. Leave me some hope, or else die. Die. DIE. And oh, take me along with you. Let's end this together.

After all... I've run out of time...

Or have I?