Guys are so hard to figure out. Even in retrospect, I cannot fully understand what were their actual intentions are in doing/saying this or that thing. It could be some experience from years, months ago, and to this day it could still be a puzzle to me. It's come to a point where sometimes I think, why bother? This inbuilt, ongoing fascination with members of the opposite sex... what good does it do, other than fuel an desire to get intimate with one by marrying them? And what do you get by marrying them... possibly just more troubles and misunderstandings and hurts and wounds to nurse over many decades to come (or whatever left of life is afforded you)?
Maybe if all of us were more honest and straight forward in the things we do, it wouldn't be so bad. Thing is, it seems to be like, the older we get, the more easily we hide our emotions and act in deceptive ways that are totally opposite to what we truly feel and think.
Hence, a lot of mixed signals and messages meant to be conveyed that get lost in transmission. And it all adds up to join the enormous party of confusion that we continue to celebrate and accept without question.
Oh, for the days when we were but children, and could not help but just speak our minds...
And in all of this, I think all my unsettled emotions and lack of closure for past experiences could be all obliterated by one simple thing: an opportunity to sit the people concerned down, one-to-one with me, and to just ask away all the questions I have kept inside. To make clear to them how I had interpreted what they did, and how much it affected me. And then to hear their side of the story, as they explain what they had really meant to convey. To comprehend what they were going through, and why things were how they became.
Perhaps then, all the insecurity and dissatisfaction and suppressed hurts can find their way to evaporate into the atmosphere and henceforth leave me eternally alone...
Why did you act like you cared or that I meant something to you, yet never made efforts for us to spend time together?
How come it seemed like for all the world, other people mattered more to you, yet in some quiet mysterious ways it was almost as if you were trying to convince me to the contrary?
Why did you bring up so many hopes, make promises, only to renege on them almost every time?
Did you not realise how much what you did/said affected me, and the emotions they stirred?
Why did you even bother making efforts to grow closer if it was never to be followed up with a continuous form of companionship and trust and openness?
Why won't you disappear from my life, instead of being there, in the background, beyond my reach and understanding?
Why did you even appear in my life to begin with?
See the void you did not fill
Note these wounds that haven't healed
I cannot completely forget
Neither can I wholly regret
And the words I used to have ran dry
All I wish to say is just one proper goodbye
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