Candycoatedwaterdrops

A remote possibility

2011-09-02T23:30:00.002+08:00

I was meandering online when I happen to notice this old blog. It's been three long years since I last blogged as an anonymous writer. I must admit, the thought of starting up again is very tempting.

Shall I? Shall I not?

Life is very different now. Looking back at my older posts, I can see that I was blinded and full of teenage angst. The wise old ones will call it growing pains or perhaps, transitional troubles related to easing into a new phase in life.

Call it whatever you want. There was no formula that helped me out of my previous mess. 'Till this day, I still carry the scars and perhaps... some of the wounds too.

It felt like I was in hell at that time and like I would never be able to find my way out. I still cannot make sense of what had actually happened then. I think in some ways it still affects how I live my life now.

I am more careful with my heart now. More skeptical. Unable to trust others fully and to accept things at face value. I see ghosts and demons lurking when perhaps there are none. I wonder why I am too easily forgotten. I feel plain and ordinary and perhaps... even queer. As if I am one of those anomalies that coincidentally made her way into the human race.

I feel like I cause more trouble to people than good. I sometimes think I have nothing good to offer. I wonder why I am almost always slow and not efficient and fast like everyone else. I cannot understand how life can change externally... yet still remain the same internally.

People always move on, don't they? So if I'm stuck someplace, I guess the problem must be me.

Well, in some ways, I have improved. I don't cry as often. I have changed jobs. I am in a fairly stable relationship now. I am a little tougher and a bit harder to bully. I am smarter, if not wiser. I can think... yes, I can still think.

Would it be fair to the people I'm close to in this life if I didn't tell them of the existence of this blog? Is having a hidden side of your life necessarily a bad thing?

If there's one constant I can see in this life, it's me having unending questions that mostly don't get answered. I guess it's God's way of reminding that I'm not a deity. Not that I needed reminding.

Nobody likes to hear negative thoughts. Maybe they're afraid it's contagious. But what if voicing out my emotions help me feel better and contributes towards getting it flushed out of my system for good?

If no one listens, I'd still need an outlet. Maybe this is my outlet, because I have no best friend. Well, as a child I used to have some. But they all disappointed me sooner or later. Better not to have any or to expect anyone to be that good to you.

I know when I say such things it sounds as if I undermine my faith in God and His ability to intervene. But this is how I feel. Perhaps it is wrong, but somebody tell me why we must have feelings if they are not meant to be communicated? We cannot determine the outcome once others hear how we feel, but don't we at least have a right to be heard and understood?

Oh well I've asked more questions in this post (again) and have not really provided any answers. Maybe not much has changed after all.

Anyhow, I like the new, rather simple blog template. Perhaps I'll give this blog a spin or two, see if I like the tone and the feel of it.

You won't judge me if you don't know who I am, will you?

the mystery has ended

2008-04-07T06:41:00.002+08:00

the moment is gone.
so is this blog.
adios amigos.

The point...? The point...?

2007-11-26T09:23:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure I know who I am anymore. I'm not sure if I should keep blogging. I'm older now, and things that used to be have far gone, and I don't think I can get them back even if I wanted to.

Gone gone gone.

Where should I go now?

fairy stories

2007-10-27T04:31:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time, in a land not quite so far away, there lived a sole. This sole dwelt in familiar places, and presented pleasant adventures to those who were daring enough to meet its acquantaince.

There was one daring enough.

As with all things beautiful, there was utter innocence in the day that the one sole was taken in by the foot. The foot was optimistic and trusting, and eagerly slid itself into the shoe of which the sole took residence.

The sole didn't mind, since the sole was a friendly one, and thought to itself that this was akin to any regular engagement, of the sort that it had always had for whoever and whatever crossed its path.

So the sole & the foot grew to be friends.

Time passed swiftly.

The foot grew, and had many opportunities for journeys and adventures. So, as the story goes, the foot many a time would slide alongside the sole, and graciously bring the sole along into its many destinations that it set foot on. So the foot was happy, because it could gladly share its experiences with its sole mate. For much of the time, the sole was happy too, because the sole also enjoyed being part of the foot's adventures.

However, the poor sole was neither a great thinker nor planner. For you see, the sole also followed many other feet on their travels, that were very much different indeed from those in which the foot would invite it to go for. This was because the sole was a free sole, and could go wherever it pleased and could attach itself to whichever foot that suited its fancy.

So, at times, the sole would get tied up in other adventures, to the exclusion of the foot. The sole immensely enjoyed those adventures, although the foot was not a part of them, because the sole had a hunger for things in the valleys and mountains far beyond its dwellings. These feet folk would often go there, and the sole looked forward greatly to each time it was privileged enough to be carried along to those distant, mystical lands.

The foot was aware of the sole's fascinations, but did not think much of it, for after all, the foot reasoned that the sole & itself had had many memorable trips together, and surely the sole's interest in foreign places could not possibly jeopardise the good company which the foot kept the sole in, and the many opportunities for fun that the foot often shared graciously with the sole.

Then one day, in the early hours of the morning, the foot went off in search of the sole, for the foot had just prepared itself for another journey, and was eager to tell the sole of it, for the foot had hoped that they would be able to go off for the trip together. The foot was in a joyous mood, and could hardly wait to find its sole mate in order to break to it the lovely news of the impending adventure that they would have before them.

But alas! To the foot's dismay, the sole was nowhere to be found. The foot had already set itself right at the place of the sole's dwelling, but the sole had apparently disappeared. By chance, another sole happened to flit by, and the anxious foot hurried towards that other sole. As it turned out, the other sole was in fact a close companion of the one sole that the foot was in search of.

"Where has my sole mate gone?" Asked the now desperate foot.

A feeling of gloom and despair had quickly swept over it and threatened to make its steps falter. Its very stance felt shaky, and an unusual fatigue had arisen, which gnawed at the foot to its very bones.

"Is it that one sole that you seek?" The kindred sole spoke in reply.

"Yes, oh yes," moaned the foot - foreseeing that the sole to whom it spoke would somehow deliver some undesirable news to it, yet not knowing what that news might in fact be - "pray, do tell me where I may find my good companion, for I am eager to engage it on yet another enjoyable adventure with me."

The kindred sole sat staring and listening quietly to the words of the foot. It did not immediately dish out a reply, but instead stared and stared in silence at the foot for a considerable amount of time.

Then, out of the blue, the sole broke out into a huge fit of laughter. The laughter was so loud and deep that it echoed all around them, and its sound extended even to the far ends of the distant lands.

The foot was now more frantic than ever. It felt its very muscles tense up, and yet it could only wait to discover if this kindred sole indeed would tell it where it could find its much missed sole mate. Its very toes grew pale and numb with anticipation and dread. It waited.

Finally, after awhile, the kindred sole regained its composure and offered the answer of which it had had with it all along, as to the whereabouts of the missing sole.

"It has gone on another trip," the kindred sole explained in a calm, soft tone (which the foot had trouble hearing now, since before this the kindred sole had laughed so very loud), "for another has set foot here, and successfully entreated your beloved sole to follow it on a journey to the faraway places which we can only glimpse at from our own mountain peaks."

The foot let out a little gasp of surprise, as it had not expected that the sole that it dearly loved would do such a thing as to embark on an adventure on its own, and with another foot, even. But there was nothing the foot could do. The foot was neither very strong nor fast, and could not possibly catch up with the sole in order to turn it back and convince the sole to instead follow it rather than the other foot.

"Oh... oh..." the foot cried out in pain, "then there is nothing I can do for now..."

The kindred sole looked pitifully at the foot.

"Why does it matter so much to you that this particular sole be with you in your adventures? Are there not other worthy soles that could easily match its capabilities? After all, any companion is better than none at all..."

The foot writhed in pain at the very words of the sole.

But then, even though with not too small a difficulty, it said:

"Many a sole may come and go, but only once does a foot find a sole which it is willing to call its mate."

The kindred sole guffawed.

"Ah, what a foot you are! But you do realise, I hope, that the one sole you deem a sole mate has indeed many other interests of its own, which have nothing whatsoever to do with you. Inasmuch as you have high regards for this one sole, I do caution you that your friend the sole is a free sole, and may not always go the way you go. In fact, this sole has its sights on dwelling in the distant lands. You may find yourself one day, my foot, to be quite alone in your undertakings -"

To these words, the foot cried out, "Enough, enough! I will no longer hear your grim forebodings! You do not speak truth! This sole which you speak of is close to me, and we have had many good times together! It cannot be that the sole would ever abandon me... not this sole mate..."

"Well, do not say that you have not been warned...." said the kindred sole in a quiet voice. "You hope too much on a free sole."

And with those words, the kindred sole moved away from the foot, leaving it to its own devices.

Now, the foot did something very silly. In its shock and frustration, it did not move from its spot where it has stood talking to the kindred sole before. This was in fact right in front of the dwelling place of its currently missing sole mate.

The foot could have gone on its adventure - with or without the sole - but the foot had grown so accustomed to having the sole around, that it felt the journey was not worth the trouble now that it would be making it on its own.

So the foot decided to wait where it was, for when the sole would return, so it could have a chat with the sole and sort out whether in fact what the kindred sole had said was true. But more than anything, the foot merely wanted to tell the sole how greatly it had been missed.

So the foot waited. And waited. And waited.

It tapped its toes in impatience, restlessness.

The night fell on the land where the foot was. It was cold, and the foot felt both sad and silly that it was out there in the dead of night without the warmth and company of its dear friend, the sole.

Finally, the sole showed up.

It was in a gay mood, as it had had a fantastic time over the many hours before. It shuffled along merrily, right up to the door of its dwellings, whistling a happy tune. Only just before it had gottten round to opening the door did the sole notice the presence of the now weary foot, which stood close by.

"Ah!" The foot exclaimed, suddenly filled with joy at the mere sight of the sole. "My dear sole, where have you been?"

"Oh, my foot! There you are! I have had the most wonderful of adventures. Do come in! Come in! I am just about to go in myself, and I will tell you all about it. Why, there were the tallest, greenest trees I have ever seen in my entire life..."

And with an ongoing flurry of words the sole went on incessantly about the tales of its recent journey. The foot, caught up in the joy of the moment, set itself obediently inside the home of the sole, and was soon taken in by the story which the sole was so animatedly sharing. It did not have any chance to put in a word about how much it had missed the sole, and how disappointed it had been and the pain it felt at being left behind. But the sole went on and on. And the foot did find the sole's stories rather intriguing, so much so that the foot soon forgave the sole for its careless abandonment of it.

'After all,' the foot thought to itself, 'it is good that the sole is here now. At the very least I can enjoy its company.'

Although the foot had been weary from its waiting, it listened as intently as it could to the sole's long tales.

The sole and the foot remained good friends for a much longer time afterward, and they embarked on many an adventure together. The foot was once again happy in the company of its sole mate, although occasionally it was overcome by a strange sadness whenever it suddenly recalled the words of the kindred sole that had been spoken to it:

"You hope too much on a free sole."

Then one day, as the foot was merrily skipping along with the sole, the sole suddenly spoke up and said, "My dear foot, I have some news for you. I am planning for a trip to the far-off places, and I will not return afterward."

The foot stopped dead in its tracks. Its every muscle was tensed and wrought with the most sickening of emotions. Again, the words of the kindred sole came to it, and it shuddered with the realisation that those words were in fact very much true of its sole mate.

"But... why-" The foot blurted out, but it could not bring itself to ask further what it had really meant to ask.

"Oh, for many reasons," the sole sang out gaily. "I have been there several times, and I think I would be happier there."

The foot writhed in its own pain, but upon hearing the sole say that it would be happier dwelling in a distant land, it did not try to coax the sole into staying.

'What use would it be?' Thought the foot to itself. 'After all, the sole has already set in its heart that it would want to go there. And if it will be happier there, why should I stop it from going?"

The sole had once again begun on one of its chatty moods, and talked incessantly in excitement about its plans to journey to its dream destination. The foot was sad that the sole was leaving, and even more so because the sole had not noticed how this news had greatly affected it.

At last, the foot blurted out, "But what about our adventures? Will you not want to journey together anymore?"

At these words, the sole stopped short in its conversation. For a moment, it looked thoughtful and gazed tenderly at the foot.

Then however, it said, "I do not know for certain if it's a good thing that we should continue to keep company with each other."

"But why is that?" The foot cried, very much astonished that the sole should say such things to it.

The sole did not offer much explanation but merely said, "I do not know."

And so more and more the foot found itself in a knot of pain. Yet despite all this, the foot still invited the sole to a few of its other adventures, as it knew it had only limited time left to spend with the sole it loved so dearly. The sole happily accepted each invitation, and it seemed to the foot that the sole did enjoy those adventures too. Nevertheless, there was a growing confusion for the foot on why the sole did not consider how greatly its planned departure would in fact affect the foot. But it was a free sole, and it appeared to be true - at least as far as the foot could see - that the words of the kindred sole were right after all.

So finally the day came for the sole to depart. The foot stood by as the sole gathered its things and motioned to leave in the direction of faraway worlds that would soon separate the foot from its beloved sole mate. The sole was again in a fit of immense excitement, and in its hurry to leave, did not even look back to say a proper goodbye to the foot as it trotted off in the company of another foot who would carry it to its new home.

So the foot stood watching as the sole made its exit. The foot's toes felt cold and numb as a sudden gust of wind blew upon it. It felt alone. It felt sorry for itself. It remained limp and idle for the longest time, and contemplated if ever it should embark on another adventure again. Or if it should ever want the company of other soles for such journeys.

What became of the foot we cannot really know, for the foot, in its downtrodden state, retreated into an obscure place to seek for itself what new things it might do.

The sole, on the other hand, became more and more famous in its comfy corner of the faraway lands, and found company in many feet who wanted very much to associate with an outstanding sole such as it.

And as is the common knowledge these days, soles are forever free, but feet can only but stand alone.

i would if i could...

2007-10-07T08:14:00.000+08:00

i would commit suicide if i knew for certain i wouldn't fail.

sick sick sick

2007-09-30T20:56:00.000+08:00

i'm sick of crying. i'm sick of feeling sick. i'm sick of being forgotten. i'm sick of never belonging. i'm sick of you never remembering.

okay so maybe i'm a tad jealous

2007-09-21T16:03:00.000+08:00

alright. i'll admit. i can't stand it how things are going well for everyone else. it's nice for them, and i wish them well, but i can't help wondering why things aren't so peachy for me. maybe i'm just a grouch, i dunno. well in any case, there's nothing i can do.

hopefulness gets you nowhere. nowhere at all.

and there's a very thin line between faith and wistfulness.

and i think i crossed that line.

maybe today

2007-09-21T00:55:00.000+08:00

will be the final day

falling flying

2007-09-16T06:02:00.001+08:00

take me with you

how do you describe the way you feel without evoking drama and uncovering dead issues presumably buried in an unmarked graveyard somewhere

2007-09-16T05:29:00.000+08:00

it's just too impractical.
it's just too illogical.
i feel lousy that it bothers me.
but brother, it does.
dear you,
if i said i wish i didn't know you, that is probably untrue.
but i wish you would stop bugging me.
yes, you don't call. you don't email. you don't snail mail. etc.
but you don't have to communicate to make me miserable.
i just am.
because of what went down.
because of how i just plainly got left behind.
because of the way that it is different now.
it's nice to know you're not looking back.
but YOU didn't have to deal with being in those places alone.
you didn't have people showering 101 comments on you for what transpired.
you didn't have people pre-judge the situation.
you just went.
and left me these irreconciliable memories.
if there is such a thing.
how can you say you meant it [well] when you gave up so easily?
how can you say "god will surely.." when you couldn't even figure out for yourself what he wanted?
where is the justice in that you always seem to be riding high with your head in the sky and i am here, dealing with the loneliness, and the searing ache, and the ridiculous hopes, and every other illogical misery?
if god was really in charge, how come we end up on 2 different ends of the spectrum?
what's the deal with this?
i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.
if i could collect for you all the tears i've shed over these many months on your account, and if they could incriminate you, i think maybe i've built a solid enough evidence to have you jailed for life.
they should jail you for life.
and let me be the only one with the key.
am i going mad?
maybe.
do i care?
maybe not.
never.
what use is sanity when life only offers you insane things?
you buried me alive.
yes you did.
i hope you live to regret.

So...

2007-08-11T10:43:00.000+08:00

are you happy now?

yeah, i bet you are.
i'm just that conveniently forgotten part of your long forsaken past.
cheers, brotha'.
i just needed your saving.
but you wouldn't give it. you wouldn't have any of it.
happy living out there.
oh wait, i mean down under there.
i miss you.
i will always miss you.
and you, you will always want to forget me.
i'm glad your life's peachy perfect now.
i must've been the imperfect speck that ruined it all.
so now. you can have it all.
go right on and live.
but i'm tearing apart.
with or without you.
dont give me that nonsense about how you hope you haven't scarred me for life.
like you cared anyway.
you just say your sorries and move on.
always on the move.
i hope someday you'll realise how much this affects other people.
i hope someday you'll hurt because somebody else left you behind the way you left me then maybe...
maybe you'll suddenly remember me.
and hopefully you'll be eternally seared with regret by then.
and i will be nowhere to be found.
i just want you to be guilty.
i just wanted you to want me.
and all you wanted was for me to disappear.
you have that now.
so i guess you must be happy.

Haha. PG Rated.

2007-08-11T10:40:00.000+08:00

Oh wow. I feel somewhat proud of this. I mean, this is SO not me.
Which means that the chances are lower that someone will actually find me out.

And you know, it stinks to be forgotten. Downright stinks. It burns you up inside. And the ironic thing is this is somebody who supposedly loved me. LoveD me. Loves me no more.

Well, I still love you, you little creep.

Oh wait. I mean,

you fat lump of lazyness and feigned concern and high ambitions and broken promises and short term memory and careless words and immature perspectives and inconceivable zealousness for God and pride with no hopes of relent and what my friends call plainly, IRRESPONSIBLE.

I guess I was too kind in defending you before.

**** you

2007-07-28T03:10:00.000+08:00

Now. What did you THINK I said?

It's all about perception. Just because I put asterisks there instead of typing out the actual word, you'd assume it was a four letter cuss word. Aha. Gotcha there.

What if I meant to say something else? For instance, "hate you" or "want you" or "need you" or even "LOVE you"?

You wouldn't have expected that, would you?

We make things out to be as we think. But they may not very well be.

The Song You Didn't Sing

2007-07-28T03:05:00.000+08:00

If a picture paints a thousand words,
Then why can't I paint you?
The words will never show the you I've come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships,
Then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you,
You're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
You come and pour yourself on me.

If a man could be two places at one time,
I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you.
And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
Then you and I would simply fly away

-from Bread's If

If You Discovered This Spot

2007-07-28T02:51:00.000+08:00

Could you please own up?

I was careless once. So maybe some of you DO know about this little hiding ranting place of mine. Well, if you do, please could you just let me know?

So I can have a good reason to release my pent-up frustrations on a real person rather than here on a highly unvisited unnoticed unknown corner of the Internet.

So It Goes

2007-07-28T02:42:00.000+08:00

That you love every other place but here. And why is that?

The traffic is a pain. The leaders are untrustable. Everywhere else is doing better financially. The government is corrupt. There is undue biasness in society. Things are second class. Working hours are too long, pay is not lucrative enough, social benefits are meagre, children get a lower grade education. Important things are jacked up in prices way too much. Public transport is lousy. The community is uncaring. Crime rate is climbing. Opportunities of success are bleak. Houses are too small. The air is hazy. We do too many direct copycat efforts of overseas television programs.
Everyone else is leaving.

Like I told someone once, if you choose the easy way out by leaving, you solve your problems, no doubt. But you don't solve everyone else's. And if everyone thinks the same way, then we only bring things down further.

Stand and say you will be here. That your heart beats with loyalty. Pride. Hope. That your hands are ready to be put to work, and your mind ever determined that you will let the renown be channelled here and NOT elsewhere. Right here.

God put us here for a specific purpose. Do you not think that perhaps you are foregoing yours?

Typical Typical

2007-07-28T02:16:00.000+08:00

There are things you see take place around you at times that you vow to yourself you will not allow to happen when it's in your control. When it's your turn.

Tonight I am reminded of such things. And although I can't say it won't happen when it depends on me to determine how it'll go, I'll try my level best to be considerate and compassionate. To remember what it's like.

Because most times people forget. I admit I do too, but I've been on the receiving end of the pain too many times to allow myself to forget...

When and if it EVER comes around, I hope to NOT:

Post up pictures about it on Friendster
Publicise it to the whole world that it's happened to me and that I am ever so blessed and that it's so wonderful and everything's pure bliss
Ignore everyone else just because I've got guranteed company
Fail to shut up about how there's hope for the one lacking, and that 'oh, don't worry your time will come' (as if I can tell what their future's going be like)
Grin from ear to ear so that even when I don't talk about it everyone can just about guess what it's about
Talk non-stop about that one person
Turn all mushy and extra nice and soft and suddenly at a state of [faked and temporary] peace with the rest of the world
Talk long on the phone when I know the person who happens to be with me knows what it's all about and it'd rub it in unnecessarily to ignore them
Forget to look into the here and now, and get caught up in my own true fantasy-reality
Mention "my *********" or "my **" or "my ******" in every other sentence
Pretend like it's just another ordinary when it's obvious it's not
Publish blog posts about it and make long and numerous dedications
Spill my happiness onto people for whom no promise of happiness can be made
To forget that not everyone is on cloud 9 though I might be

Oh my dear dear friends, I am indeed happy for you. It's just I feel like something's not fair somewhere. No one's to blame. It's not like any of you could do anything for me.

And I'm thinking maybe I may never need to check myself on the above list. Because maybe I may never be in that same position as you. Maybe I'll always be there on the outside looking in, and because nobody else feels the lack, the same old typical things will just keep repeating themselves and sticking right up in my face.

And yeah. I wish you well if you are blessed enough to be spared from being on this side of never.

Believe Me, I Tried

2007-07-15T17:56:00.000+08:00

But it won't go away. Tell me what should I do. Do something for me. Make me better. Make me feel like I am indeed wanted. Say that something's changed. That there will be comfort. Erase what was before with new memories of pleasant things. Of promises. Of hope. Stay. Say it was all a crazy unreal nightmare and that I can wake up to something good and lasting and beautiful. Tell me I did the right thing. That it was worthwhile. That nothing's ever wasted and that love can save the day. That there are no endings if we don't give in, and no beginnings if we are not brave enough. Take my hand. Walk with me. Need me. Find a place for me. Pray for me. Look for me. Tell me for certain that God will save a happily ever after for me, somehow.

graffiti

2007-06-27T10:55:00.000+08:00

forever never underestimated forgotten trodden grave grit unperturbed onward glee anger greetings meetings farewells smells swell rot harden fall strip hit miss hurt sunk hung stolen token drop cut bleed ebb away bury numb frozen crap stench hack pierce push shove cramp murder hell burn suffer eternally altered faltered crumbled fumbled faltered grim trim thimble pinned needle nonsense needed neglected poison eat decay frayed too long delayed stray end

Inconsistencies, Inconsistencies

2007-06-27T10:39:00.000+08:00

Seems like my ranting's never done.

But oh, you make me sick. So sick. So sick of the inconsistencies. Sick of being down. Of thinking that it was ever worth any of my time. Of the illusions of how sweet things could be. The dissappointments and the ambitions that seem to be nothing more than words. Over and over. And wondering what it was that made me happy in the first place.

I re-read what you said. Remembered for a brief moment how hopeful it had seemed.

Utter nonsense and a freaking waste of time.

Who are you?

I don't know you anymore.

There's this tender part of me that thinks there's always a fix for everything. That no matter how far gone things get, there's always redemption, there's always the possibility of things being mended, made okay again.

This is not okay. It will never be.

Never again.

Stay away.

That's how you chose it. And I guess that's how it should always stay.

segalanya hanya keranamu

2007-05-28T22:46:00.000+08:00

ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.

ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.

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ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.

ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.

ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.

ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.

ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.

ini lah hari biasa. tiada perkara pelik yg dpt membezakan hari ini dari hari yg lain.

_________________________________________________________

ah. apa lagi yg boleh ku katakan? tak kira apa jua yg ku ucapkan, yg ku kirimkan, pasti keadaan tetap seperti kini. bukan yg kau tak mau mendengarnya, tapi ia tak memberi makna sepertimana yg ku harapkan.

biarlah, bisik hatiku.

biarlah.

ku cuma harapkan perkara yg baik. ku menanti perkara yg tak mungkin akan terjadi, sampai bila pun.

semoga kau senantiasa dilindungi dlm rahmatNya dan mengecapi segala mimpi yg tertera dlm hatimu. semoga hatimu riang selalu, dan tak sekalipun terasa akan kesedihan dan deraan jiwa yg melanda jiwaku tanpa kehabisan. ku tahu, pendirianmu ini direstuiNya, dan hanya tinggal aku di sini.

seorang, dan merana.

Crazed Confessions

2007-05-05T12:52:00.000+08:00

it's silly that i can rant away here and nobody would care. nobody would know.
i'm angry.
i'm frustrated.
i'm sick of looking at stupidly blurry horizons.
i'm down to my last trickle of hazy hope.
i would kill myself if i was courageous enough.
c'mon. wreck my day.
one more time.
make it hurt enough so i can be put out of misery.
better still, finish the job yourself.
here, what do need?
a knife?
a gun?
a pill?
addicts need fuel.
fire up.
maybe this'll be the final time.

Irony

2007-05-05T12:46:00.000+08:00

and when the end's in sight, and i look back in wonder.
i will always wonder why it was the way it was.
i will always be left clueless.
and the words will come but never reach your ears.
and the consequences will abound, yet you will never bear them.
you would never share them.
you would never know this.
you.
you.
you.
goodbye.
you.

Killing Time

2007-02-23T02:53:00.000+08:00

Do you notice how we tend to associate certain images/objects with particular concepts in our minds?

Well, for instance, a mention of the word "school" would conjure up visions of wooden desks and blackboards for some, whilst others imagine P.E. in the open green fields or whiteboards and the smell of marker pens (for those of the younger era) or maybe the shrieky, eardrum piercing voice of the most dreaded teacher from some past year at school. In other words, if you were to see those same objects or situations at a later time in your life, it would somehow invoke memories of school, due to the way your mind has associated it to your understanding of what "school" means...

Ah well. I'm not here to talk about school. That was merely to illustrate my point. The point being that certain things tend to remind us of a certain something else, which, although on the surface the two may not seem directly related, yet because of our personal experiences, somehow they are connected in the way we think about them.

Well, for me, whenever I think of the word/concept of waiting, one of the first pictures that comes to my mind is that of the traffic light. Being a driver, all too often I am faced with the predicament of having to stop on a red light and wait it out till the light turns to green before resuming my journey.

And I guess I'd like to think of waiting in this way. That waiting entails having to freeze or put a halt to the momentum of things, and then to bide your time and look out for the moment when the lights turn green. Or rather, for a clear sign when the wait is clearly over. In other words, you don't wait forever. A time comes when you can take action. Move along. Breathe a sigh of relief and then resume your journey. Or perhaps re-examine your route and change your course.

I'd like to have that sort of confidence that there will be a good ending to a long wait. Because I've definitely seen some agonisingly long red lights in my driving experiences. But the thing is, no matter how long you wait, definitely the green light will come eventually.

But oh, life does not always afford good endings. Inevitably, things change and you move on, but sometimes you look back and wonder... what was that all about? And sometimes it feels as if the traffic light you're stuck at is in fact spoilt, because the red light seems to last forever. And at other times, you try to speed the pace of things up in attempts to avoid being trapped on a red light (read: jumping the light) only to find yourself crashing right into an accident just a little further up ahead.

What exactly should you do at a red light in your life? Do you turn up the music of distraction/melancholy/past memories and sing your heart out to it? Or tap your fingers restlessly on the side of the car door and get all anxious? Pick up your mobile phone and find someone to converse with to ease the anxiety? Or simply stare into space and try hard to imagine the much desired happy resolution to the uncertainties that the waiting has induced?

And how do you deal with the heart wrenching emotions that well up at the very sight of a yellow light? Do you speed up to try and beat the red light, in hopes of steering yourself closer to the course in life you wanted to take? Or do you slow down cautiously and wait to see what happens, at the risk of losing out on something due to responding way too late?

And when does the green ever come? Even if it does, how do you handle it? Does it make you reconsider your route? Do you take for granted that it means you can do whatever you like, hence speeding through things presumptiously, only to land in serious injuries imminent from an accident that was self-induced? Or do you regretfully take too long to respond, only to either end up stuck in another round of red lights, or worst still, to hold up others because of your over-cautiousness, or to even cause an accident just by getting in the way? Perhaps by the time the sight of the green light occurs, you've been too numbed by the endless wait that you don't even know how to get going anymore?

Grr. Perhaps this is not such a good analogy for waiting. Time is such a nerve wrecking concept. It is the trap that grips our whole life, and upon which every other valuable thing we ever hope to attain in life hangs in the balance. For it is Time that determines what endures, what matters in the end. Only that sometimes the things you hoped would matter disappear far too easily, much to your utter disappointment.

Come here, Time. I want to murder you properly. Leave me some hope, or else die. Die. DIE. And oh, take me along with you. Let's end this together.

After all... I've run out of time...

Or have I?

Walkway

2006-10-03T22:10:00.000+08:00

Stepping out into the big unknown. Flicking aside pebbles and twigs from the beaten down path. Staring straight ahead at whatever comes into view. A serious sort of stare. The kind of stare that says, "You'd better not mess with me! I can take you on!" Dragging feet along the dusty earth. Shutting dry eyes and turning the face heavenward, whilst welcoming the gentle gust of a temporary wind. And the rustling leaves on the trees form a soothing harmony, coupled with the tweeting of birds from the tree branches. The rumble of distant thunder... what awaits in the future horizon? The reddish-orangish tinge of the setting sun. The sudden silence falling all around. Another twilight beckons, another ending day. Lips parting to sing a quiet song. The tune echoes through the open space. Aloneness. Serenity. Hopefulness in better things to come, maybe tomorrow.

Anxiety Attacks

2006-10-03T18:28:00.000+08:00

I think I'm in love.

Trouble is, it's just that. A thought.

What does he think? That's my whole problem just there. Yes there. Right there. I don't know what he thinks.

Oh, I've been down this road before. One too many times. I figure maybe it's become somewhat too familiar...

Girl likes guy. Girl brushes it off as a silly thought. Time passes. Girl likes guy more and more. Guy's awfully nice, and (I suppose) likes being with girl. BUT guy is clueless that girl likes guy. Guy moves on in life. Girl gets left behind.

That about sums it up most times. Sigh.

I just want an ongoing reason for us to be in touch. I just want him to want me. And it's agony waiting this out. Because I know the most likely ending.

^

And if by chance it's you that reads this, I just want you to know...

That I think of you much and wish you'd always be here. Maybe I don't know you enough, but I do wish I had the chance.

That if it were up to me, I'd be your #1 supporter 24-7. And if ever you thought any less of yourself than what you're really worth, there's at least this ONE person here who thinks the world of you.

That I wish you'd call.

That I'm not perfect, but I'm hoping you'll say you'd still like me anyway.

That I know it's stupid, that I feel this way about you, but God willing, I'd try the best I could to be that helpmeet that you [just might] need someday.

That I can't say the words "I love you" because the proximity and circumstances and prospects don't warrant it.

That it's agony hoping that you'd feel for me the way I do for you, especially when I know it's close to impossible.

That I wish you the best for your life when you do finally go away, even if I don't get a share in it.

Agony

2006-09-22T11:58:00.000+08:00

Why God, must we live in constant agony? Why is relief never final? Why does provision seem so insufficient, temporary? Must all of our lives be lived in uncomfortableness and ongoing restlessness? Why do we not find You sufficient for our situation, when in reality You are?

Agony, painful agony. It pierces into your heart like a knife with a deep cut and an enduring wound.

Maybe I'm too lost and imperfect to ever be good enough?

Questions For You, My Dear

2006-08-18T11:09:00.000+08:00

Guys are so hard to figure out. Even in retrospect, I cannot fully understand what were their actual intentions are in doing/saying this or that thing. It could be some experience from years, months ago, and to this day it could still be a puzzle to me. It's come to a point where sometimes I think, why bother? This inbuilt, ongoing fascination with members of the opposite sex... what good does it do, other than fuel an desire to get intimate with one by marrying them? And what do you get by marrying them... possibly just more troubles and misunderstandings and hurts and wounds to nurse over many decades to come (or whatever left of life is afforded you)?

Maybe if all of us were more honest and straight forward in the things we do, it wouldn't be so bad. Thing is, it seems to be like, the older we get, the more easily we hide our emotions and act in deceptive ways that are totally opposite to what we truly feel and think.

Hence, a lot of mixed signals and messages meant to be conveyed that get lost in transmission. And it all adds up to join the enormous party of confusion that we continue to celebrate and accept without question.

Oh, for the days when we were but children, and could not help but just speak our minds...

And in all of this, I think all my unsettled emotions and lack of closure for past experiences could be all obliterated by one simple thing: an opportunity to sit the people concerned down, one-to-one with me, and to just ask away all the questions I have kept inside. To make clear to them how I had interpreted what they did, and how much it affected me. And then to hear their side of the story, as they explain what they had really meant to convey. To comprehend what they were going through, and why things were how they became.

Perhaps then, all the insecurity and dissatisfaction and suppressed hurts can find their way to evaporate into the atmosphere and henceforth leave me eternally alone...

Why did you act like you cared or that I meant something to you, yet never made efforts for us to spend time together?

How come it seemed like for all the world, other people mattered more to you, yet in some quiet mysterious ways it was almost as if you were trying to convince me to the contrary?

Why did you bring up so many hopes, make promises, only to renege on them almost every time?

Did you not realise how much what you did/said affected me, and the emotions they stirred?

Why did you even bother making efforts to grow closer if it was never to be followed up with a continuous form of companionship and trust and openness?

Why won't you disappear from my life, instead of being there, in the background, beyond my reach and understanding?

Why did you even appear in my life to begin with?

See the void you did not fill
Note these wounds that haven't healed
I cannot completely forget
Neither can I wholly regret
And the words I used to have ran dry
All I wish to say is just one proper goodbye

Just Be?

2006-08-16T11:19:00.000+08:00

Often times I get rather tired of life. Not because I can't handle the raging violence of war, or the sexually twisted minds of some, or the failing economies, or the lying politicians or the unpredictability of transient relationships.

It's just for the sheer fact that it's so frustrating to be human. To be fallible. To get up every morning with hopes of going through the day without making any mistakes. Only to mindlessly let one careless word/action slip out into the atmosphere just a few moments later. Then before long, it all gets out of hand, and thereafter what's left to do but to be ashamed once again at the inability to do things right.

And so the endless list of regrets reels on and on, tormenting the mind to no end. And the hurts inflicted on the innocent all around, those who did truly love and care for you, grows with each additional breath you take.

I am not one to believe in suicide. But sometimes I think I cannot blame those who resort to it. For it seems quite apparent that living as a human being is a rather hopeless cause. What do we hope to achieve? What can we achieve, when all successes we attain are marred by our imperfections aplenty?

Undoubtedly, having people who are understanding and accept you for who you are numbs the pain of failure and disappointments with yourself. Yet it doesn't change the fact that history will repeat itself, as surely as the sun rises and sets each day.

It's pretty much a lie to say to anyone, "I love you just the way you are" or "don't change a single thing [about the way you are]". Because if ever it is said, and if it were indeed heartfelt, then the truth of the matter is we probably don't know the person whom it was said to well enough. There are too many flaws in all of us combined than can be contained in this world.

Perhaps it's better to be an animal. To just be who you are, yet knowing that your very instinctive behaviour fits so perfectly with who God has made you to be. To be secure that hunting for food, caring for your young, mating, sleeping, eating, playing and dying are all that there is to your lot in life. To live without qualms of what will happen to your surroundings, or worrying about what the next day will bring. To be as dull in the head as you can be as far as intelligence and reasoning is concerned, yet perfectly content.

Or perhaps it's even better to be a plant, or tree, or flower. To have but a short lifespan, yet to grace the Earth with your beauty. Never to be blamed for any wrongdoing, living in perfect harmony with your surroundings. Dependent on the weather and ideal living conditions, yet knowing if you indeed did die, that it would be a noble giving back to nature what it has blessed you with. For in your death, you would bring added fertility to the soil, and pave the way for the next generation of greenery to grow to take your place.

But human I am. And human I remain, for that is what God has decided that I should be. But certainly I cannot just be. For if I lived by my natural inclinations, I would tend towards self-centredness, which eventually leads to my ruin. How can any of us get it right, since none have before, and most certainly none ever will?

...what is man that You are mindful of him,
the son of man that You care for him?
- Psalm 8:4

The Onslaught of SMS and All Other Forms of Wireless Technologies (and the Downfall of REAL Communication)

2006-08-03T00:53:00.000+08:00

I've been doing some research on SMS related tech lately. So in the course of doing so, I stumbled upon a site about the many different ways SMS tech is being used these days. It will amaze you just how many ways it can be used now. People do their banking with SMS. Get up-to-date traffic info. Book tix to see a concert. Break up with a bf/gf that's weighing them down. Vote. Donate. Get the latest news.

The list is endless. See for yourself at this website.

I suppose the less I know about the widespread of such things, the better I'll be.

Because as much as I'd agree to using and encouraging the use of modern technology, there are times where it's almost like I'm pining for the old days again.

You see, with the accessibility of all forms of wireless technology, it has eliminated the need for more direct human contact. What happened to lining up in queue to wait your turn to buy tickets? Going over to someone's house to discuss the details of an ongoing project you are working on together? Calling someone just to say you miss them?

These days, it's a mere quick kungfu of finger movements on the mobile phone keypad (or the PC's keyboard.. or PDA... what have you), a few extra button presses/clicks to locate the SEND command and then you've said your piece.

And so the recipient gets a very dead line of text saying "I love you so much." Only for that very same person to find out months later that perhaps the love wasn't as true as the words read. But it's virtual reality after all, ain't it?

How it deadens the human soul of emotion and interaction.

Sometimes though, I must say, it does have its benefits. You can agree to converse with a particularly repulsive character on... let's say, online instant messaging, without having to actually meet them. Thereby inducing a notion of care where there really is a lack. But as twisted as that sounds, sometimes, just sometimes, such measures are indeed necessary (aren't they?).

The use of these technologies does save time and effort in getting a message across to someone, especially when they're far off and it's too difficult for you to find means to meet face-to-face to utter a few one or two liners and wait for a response. And a phone call would be out of the question due to exorbitant call rates. And the person you're looking for is too busy and is constantly on the move anyway. Why disturb them unnecessarily? Just send a little messsage, and they can read it in their own time.

Furthermore, if you resorted to sending an IM or SMS, you could very well be checking your e-mail, or clocking in much needed hours for office/school work, while waiting for a response from the other party. Hence, more gets accomplished in the same amount of time.

But therein lies the problem of distractedness. We're so used to multi-tasking that it's too hard and too trying on us to just sit down and focus on one thing only. Wait a tad too long, endure too deadly a silence, and our minds get agitated for lack of activity, and our bodies get fidgety, yearning for something to occupy us. Entertain us. Why should there be dull moments in a person's life anyway? Hence the need to fill up our lives with all sorts of indirect, state-of-the-art technology. Keeps us alive, it seems.

I am not denying the benefits of technology, really. Only lamenting the decay of the true connectivity of human souls. When was the last time you said more words in a day than you did type? (And by that, I mean to those who matter most).

I still treasure a handwritten, posted letter or a telephone call or tea with a friend much more than mere SMS or any other similar forms of communication. Anyone who wishes to offer anything less to me proves by their sheer deeds how little fondness they attach to me. A high demand for today's folks. I'd say. But who needs company anyway?

Keeping Up The Pretenses

2006-07-29T00:02:00.000+08:00

Uhm... do you realise just how smoothly the response "I'm fine, thank you" rolls of your tongue when somebody asks you "How are you?" That reply is so commonplace that it should be challenged on its authenticity every time. Because I am utterly convinced that more than half the time it's said, it isn't even within close range of what is really going on in the life of the person who said it.

Have we all perfected the art of pretending or what? And have we all grown so accustomed to putting on pretenses that it becomes too natural for us... 'til the point that what we pretend to be really becomes who we are (in the sense of who we live our lives as) and who we really are, how we really feel inside, just gets lost and evaporates without a single trace?

Too often we practice these same lines, with the same replies, and amazingly we derive satisfaction from it without ever questioning if what is said is what really is.

In other words, do we really care? Why are we content just with a mere verbal assurance, that the person before us, the person we are conversing with, spending time with on the pretext of love or concern or some other high virtue, is alright and has their life together? Why do we even ask how they are anyway? Is it to convince them that we care? Or as so-called evidence that we can use to conclude that everything's okay and there is no real cause for concern, even though the irrepressible gut feeling is that there really is something that is the matter with them?

And why do we not tell it like it is to someone else when they ask us how we are doing? Is it for fear that they would not understand? Or that they may make things worse by how they react afterwards? Or that we'd finally see things as they are: that perhaps the other person doesn't quite care as much as we hoped they would?

From my personal experience, the reason I don't speak up very often about how things really are in my life is for the plain reason that nobody's really interested to hear my long, elaborate replies about why everything is going wrong for me right then and there, and the dozens of doubts that are tormenting me. For the few times I tried to say something more - hinting just a bit at the fact that perhaps my "I'm fine" is not quite as fine as my words are potraying (doing this by means of a contradicting facial expression, perhaps) - the other person only seems to listen intently for awhile. Then you can almost visually see their minds jump up and wander off from concentrating on what I'm saying by the time the "oh" response escapes their mouth. And from then on, it's all going downhill. Sometimes it comes to the point where I'm yabbering on and on and it's so self defeating because I know it's practically useless. A waste of time. All the things I'm saying are just flying by them, without even the slightest effort on their part to reach out and at least try to grasp what I'm saying.

On the flip side, perhaps we say the cliched phrase "How are you?" simply because we have no better way of putting across to someone we don't know so well that we really do care about them, without sounding too intrusive or imposing. I know I've encoutered a couple of situations where I've felt exactly this way. And if we do say it sincerely enough, the other person may actually get the sentiments we are trying to convey. Then it's perfectly fine, of course. It may even be appreciated that we bothered to ask.

Another possible reason why we perhaps succumb to repeating this overused question at the start of almost every conversation is because maybe, we're short of ideas on how to kickstart an engaging chat with a particular someone, and hoped that they'd say something in their reply that we could perhaps take hold of and use to propel the conversation further, tranforming it into something much livelier. For instance, the mention of family could lead to further inquiries on their welfare or how relationships with their next of kin have been of late. Reference to a recent holiday or business trip could be followed by encouraging the person to elaborate more about their holiday/trip, how did they find it, what did they do, etc.

And so, for all these reasons and more, this dull, hackneyed phrase of "How are you?" and its [almost required] accompanying response, "I'm fine, thank you" lives on in our society today. Amusing, is it not? Yet it is rather a sad state of affairs. Wouldn't life be a little less confusing if we'd all just be unafraid of being blatantly honest and speaking our mind, spilling out all the pent up thoughts and emotions in our minds and hearts? But alas, we are creatures of habit. So onward the habit goes, and we remain content with the ever familiar replies.

Leftovers

2006-07-28T19:59:00.000+08:00

Leftovers, anyone?

I have a pretty sad love life. Sad because nothing's ever worked out before. I just wish he and I could talk. It's not like he was ever mine, but I just wish things would end more neatly. The way it is, it's like we're worlds apart right now. We used to be quite close, and it's sad that just because I had to get over him I had to distance myself from him and things have dwindled to become how they are right now. It's just maddening how things always seem to end up like this. It's not like I'm in love with him anymore, yet it feels so depriving that other people know so much more about him now than I do and he doesn't even tell me anything anymore. And it's not like any of this bothers him. I bet he doesn't even miss being close to me the way things were last time. I just can't rid my head of him, although I try to convince myself that I have.

When It's All In Your Hands

2006-07-27T23:44:00.000+08:00

I believe that one of the times that you feel most in control in life is when you're behind the wheel. Yeah, you know... like driving a car? I certainly feel that way when I drive. I mean, when I'm driving alone in the car, that is.

I can drive at whatever speed I wish. Cruise, crawl or even zip along. I can change lanes whenever I like, or hog the same ol' lane for as long as I wish. I can honk the horn at whim, and decide what type of music I prefer to listen to as I drive. The radio, perhaps. Or maybe a favourite CD. Or perhaps nothing at all. I can think whatever thoughts that are in my mind, in the quietness of the little space of the car's interior, for the entire duration of my journey.

Almost perfect control (minus the unpredictability of weather and road conditions, and also the necessity of abiding by traffic laws).

So anyway, my point is that when we're on the road, driving in our comfy little cars, we're really quite in control of what's happening in our lives. So-called.

Now, what continuously irks me is to see the way people behave whilst on the road.

I don't know what the traffic is like where you live, but here where I'm at, there is almost a non-existence of civic consciousness. Give people near-perfect control over something like driving and what do they do? They get selfish. They act like no one else is there, and that even when they are it doesn't matter anyway. They slip in and out of various highway lanes just so they can maximise their own travelling speed and time whilst threatening to be a road hazard and a public nuisance to all.

Surely people would have the heart to once in awhile give in, and let someone else go their way without creating a ruckus with their horn, or yelling or showing signs of displeasure indirectly through the rear or side mirrors? Surely they would realise that perhaps there are other people in this world besides them who may be in a hurry to reach their destination... that someone else might be late... or in an emergency?

I'll admit that driving where I live has made me a little more ruthless than before. I have learnt to exert my way on the road, lest I get constantly bullied or ignored and have to wait half a day just for a chance to cross a busy intersection. Just because all the other drivers whizzing by failed to consider the needs of someone other than themselves. What a sad state of affairs - the fact that you have to toughen up and fend for yourself, just because of the individualistic culture that has dug its roots deep into your community's lifestyle.

Yet this observation has repercussions for me as well. As much as I do complain about the horrid ugly nature of other's behaviour, now and then I am forced to also examine how I behave given similar circumstances. And I regretfully admit that I cannot say for certain that I would've acted any better.

Predestination: Meant To Be?

2006-07-27T03:52:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder at the outcome of our lives. You see, I'm a Christian, and so I believe in what the Bible says about my life:

... All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.
-Psalm 139:16

What does that imply? That everything unfolding before me in my life had already been ordained for me, long even before I was even in existence. I guess that means that God already knew the decisions I would make in life, long before they were even placed before me, long before I even knew what they would be about.

So I wonder, is it worth going through all the motions then? If it's a matter of just a predetermined plot unfolding, what difference would it make that I lived through outcomes decided long ago? Or has God prepared a few alternate endings, where which one of them that I'd end up with depends on my decisions?

I cannot make sense of my life. I cannot reconcile why certain things have become as they have. I don't understand why some things of yesterday still haunt me in my dreams and thoughts, although circumstances have changed so much already.

Is this how it was meant to be? Or was it that I stumbled onto the wrong alternate ending, not so long ago?

Independence Amongst Children: A Process Not To Be Hurried Along

2006-07-19T17:59:00.000+08:00

It has bothered me for quite awhile now, why there is a tendency in us to want to rush someone to grow up.

What I mean by this is how adults are expecting kids to learn in a hurry how to be independent. Of course, I'm not saying here that kids shouldn't mature when they should, nor am I saying that they should cling to their parents right through their adolescent years or something of that sort.

What I am saying is why we consider it such a good thing that a kid can go out on their own, manage their own food and affairs without a hunger for family, a need for communal activity. Are we not by the very way we bring them up, teaching them at an early age to become individualistic?

We should be careful that what we label "independent" is not in actual fact "individualism".

What's so great about the fact that a kid can do so many things by themselves that we should shower so much praise and admiration on such kids as these? What about those who constantly need help from others, and make no pretenses about it? Are they any less capable just because they aren't as independent? Undoubtedly, kids need to learn to do things for themselves at some point in time, and that will come about in its proper time and place and should be taught to them by their parents. The kid him/herself may even ask to be taught how to do certain things by themselves, even. But what I find unreasonable is when parents hurry their children to learn independence.

Yes, of course it's less hassle in parenting there onwards, but then don't come complaining a couple of years down the line when you find your children totally disregard you and avoid relating to you. Didn't it cross your mind that perhaps your teaching them to "do it yourself" too early in life (just to be rid of having to mind them all the time) might very well be the cause for their lack of affection for you?

Don't you go making like it's some kind of high level virtue when your kid can be independent in doing things. Praising them and rewarding them isn't really wrong, it's just the emphasis on it in the light of other more important things that a child should master.

Independence isn't everything.

In fact, the older we get, we'll find increasingly that interdependence is the better way to go. Good examples of this are the interdependencies found in romantic relationships, family connections and even at the workplace, in terms of team-based projects.

Yes, everyone needs to know how to survive and thrive regardless of the absence of others. But everyone also needs to know how to do both these things when they are surrounded by the people as well.

Cultivating independence in children without an equal effort to educate them on the need of interdependency is a fatal flaw in parenting, I believe.

Perhaps we should re-examine how the next generation is being raised right now. Are we doing it right? The process of learning independence should not be rushed for kids. After all, what we want is a selfless, civic conscious society who are mindful of the needs of others in every way, is it not?

Humanness

2006-07-18T15:15:00.000+08:00

Initially, I imagined that he acted the way he did towards me merely because he wanted to see what sort of reaction it would evoke in me. Just for the fun of it. Possibly out of spite. He seemed like an elusive sort; with so many contacts with people of the opposite gender, and a rather abrasive nature whenever he was in a bad mood or felt like being difficult.

I didn't think it could've possibly crossed his mind how much hurt and turmoil he had inflicted on my soul. How, with every little cheesy thing he said, he was making my heart crumble. Drilling to the core of my weakness. And I almost loathed meeting him every time. It felt like something inside of me was squirming and making me sick on the inside every time I saw him, every occasion in which I had to exchange words with him. He was, after all, to my mind, unpredictable. Cocky. Immature. Irritating.

Difficult he was, indeed. But maybe, so was I?

What I hadn't counted on was the fact that he had - in the ongoing turn of events in his private life - a set of challenges, setbacks and excruciating heartbreaks of his own. I only knew in part, saw in part.

And the more the truth unfolded, the more I realised that perhaps he's not the spiteful, cunning, conniving, selfish guy that I imagined he was. Perhaps he did care. Perhaps he did occasionally intend to offer real help to me, and did also, at some point, value my company...

The truth of the matter is, that we really don't understand what's going on in somebody else's life at all. We presume to comprehend it, but often what we do know is only so little in the face of the full blown realities that strike them each day. The nightmares. The fears, the glaring past that perhaps they still have problems overcoming, or leaving behind. The secrets. The things they wished to pour out to us, but haven't yet found the courage and suitable opportunity to.

And beneath that smile, that same calm expression that you see them wear every day, there lies a restless soul... fighting to stay alive and to make sense of what is going on.

We assume too much.

I find it ironic that sometimes the people we think we know so well, the people we spend the most time with, are the people that we know the least about. It's scary. More than that, it's downright sad.

And when a sudden twist of events changes the way they are, or the way we relate to them, we look back at how things were and wonder why we didn't understand better before.

Yet the one good thing that comes out of having known someone for quite awhile and knowing more about them now than you did then is that maybe, in some way, you realise more than before how human they really are. Not so tough and impossible as how they seemed previously. In fact, very much vulnerable. So you stand back a little, and gaze at them now in a new sort of awe...

Then maybe, just maybe, you chance to love them a little more.

I so totally agree with Carson McCullers...

The heart is a lonely hunter.

The Recurring Nightmares

2006-07-17T02:14:00.000+08:00

Ah. I always wanted to talk to someone about these things. Recurring nightmares.

It's not what you think. It's not the kind of nightmares where there's a huge, grizzly monster out to get you, or the world is about to end in a big impending explosion, or you're at the verge of needing to take some heroic action to save someone you love from the jaws of death.

It's the kinda down-to-earth nightmares where people you know are in it, and the things that happen are so close to reality that you just could've very well imagined that they did happen.

It's those kinda nightmares that I'm talking about.

In my case, it's been these ongoing nightmares about people from my past, things from my past that are unresolved, or rather, can't be resolved in the present day.

What I want to know is what it'll take to get these nightmares to stop. I don't need to be a loser in my dreams. Not anymore than I am in real life, eh?

It has always intrigued me how some things seem to stay embedded within our memory for years on end, and how, at the same time, something else (that perhaps even occurred at the same point of time as the aforesaid remembered incident) can quite easily be forgotten within the next day or hour or minute.

What are these thoughts that swim around in our brains? And most of all, why do they remain there? Why has God put them there?

The simple answer would be to say it's to make us remember. To make us recall our beginnings, and the lessons we've learnt through all we've been through. To chart our course way into the future, in the light of who we've become.

Without memories, we'd have no past. Without a past, we'd have no identity... no solid experiences to lend credibility to our existence. Without an identity, we'd not know why we're here, and would pretty much cease to be here. Despite the fact that we may still live on.

That would be an even worse nightmare, I'd wager. A living nightmare.

Without Reserve

2006-07-17T01:35:00.000+08:00

This is my voice.

This is my chance to speak without reserve about the thoughts that swim about in the recesses of my brain. I don't claim to have earth shaking philosophies, or world changing strategies to demand the attention of others.

But I am here. And I want to speak up. And having an anonymous blog rids me of the need to censor myself, or to make sure I am guarding everyone's interests and feelings.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not here to gossip. I'm not that kinda person.

I'm just here to speak my mind.

The title of this blog, Candycoatedwaterdrops is based on a song by a band called Plumb.

Here are the lyrics of that song:

Candycoatedwaterdrops
What is this
Mass confusion
This crazy way we're living
This emptiness we're passing out
Like candycoatedwaterdrops
I'm spilling out my thoughts
You're spilling out your guts
And I can't help but stop and think that
If the world stopped spinning
If the end was beginning
Would you even notice if I wasn't there?
If the world stopped spinning around
All that's worth dying for is already dead
An empty religion you've learned to accept
When nothing means everything, your daily routine
You go through the motions like a helpless machine
You're spinning 'round
You're spinning 'round
But I can't help wondering
You're spinning 'round
You're spinning 'round
But I can't help wondering
When the answers to everything are right in your hands
You lose your conviction, but you can't help standing
On the one thing that held you for so many years
You ask for forgiveness and hold back the tears

I hope in some ways it makes for some meaning as to why this blog is named the way it is.

I don't really expect anyone to read this. But if you do, good on ya. I hope that you find some comfort here, or something that inspires you. It's the thing that gets me most high in life. To make even if just that tiny difference.

Here's to the bright beginnings of a nice lil' comfy anonymous blog. The second of its kind in my blog records.